911: OK
Crawford: a second?
911: Go ahead.
Crawford: Uh, I am my name is Mike Cockford, I need to make a NONemergency NONurgent phone call or have him return my call to Officer Tim Thomson of Vancouver Police Department.
911: OK let me make sure he's working hold on one second did he just call you or?
Crawford: Uh, no, but I left him a message the other day and, he never responded, I, I know he's busy chasing crooks so he did it really isn't urgent but he does know me uh if he's not on duty if you could just pass it on that's all I would need.
911: Yeah I can't pass on a message but he is luckily working today so what's your phone number?
Crawford: Uh let me give you both my home and cell because the cell doesn't work so good.
911: OK
Crawford: The cell is area code 503, uh, 927, uh, XXXX.
911: OK
Crawford: And uh the home is area code uh 360, uh, 571, uh, XXXX.
911: And you're calling from a completely different cell phone than either of the ones you gave me , sorry
Crawford: I, I am, yeah, the one on your caller ID that's my mom because the cell she she has different cell provider, the signal's better for her than for my phone.
911: OK, and so, well you know what is this regarding?
Crawford: Um, I'm not entirely sure, but I did speak with one of your colleagues the other day and I explained it to her but I don't have a clue whether my message got through to Tim so honestly I don't know
911: Right, but is it in reference to a case or something?
Crawford: Uh, there is a police officer in southern California who a couple of times has threatened to arrest me and prosecute me for all manners of stuff that was largely a product of HIS fevered imagination. I decided that maybe I'd make a statement that would REALLY piss him off and so that this time he would issue an arrest warrant, but he's in California I'm way out of his jurisdiction. If this guy actually did want to arrest me I just wanted Tim Thomson to be that put me in custody, he's a great guy he helped me out of a jam. It it's funny it's all on the internet if you want to read it you just you know you gotta stick email or I'll give you the website, it is FUNNY.
911: OK, so this officer is making threats via your website?
Crawford: Pardon?
911: What, the website?
Crawford: sorry?
911: Who is making, is somebody on the website making threats of you or are you've just made a website about it?
Crawford: *exasperated* I. made. a. website. to. make. fun.
911: Oh.
Crawford: of a police officer who made threats of me over the telephone. *increasing outrage* The guy rang me up on my cell phone, AT work, TOLD me that the conversation was being recorded so that whatever I said could be used as evidence against me in a COURT of law but I HAD not luck whatsoever incriminating myself because HE would not even let me speak while he Shouted at me for a solid, goddamned hour...
911: ok
Crawford: ...about how he was going to prosecute me for making terrorist threats...
911: *interrupting* OK, so what's the website?
Crawford: ...when ALL I can... oh, okay, got something to write with, I didn't, I know you probably don't mumble
911: I'm ready, go ahead.
Crawford: OK, W, W, W, I'll pronounce it and spell it, dot, software problem, dot, N I, N E D, S O F, T W A R E, P R O B L E M, dot N P. RIGHT at the top there,...
911: Dot, Dot what?
Crawford: Dot net. Software problem.
911: Oh OK.
Crawford: I I know you're not getting online while youre at work but it is pretty fucking funny what I say about Sergeant Sousa. Right at the top, and it gives some details about what it, I have been in some kind of civil lawsuit, it's not important what it was, and, basically I Im a writer and I'm really good at it and one of the techniques that writers do is whats called metaphor, it's not important what metaphor is, but it's commonly used in fiction, it's hardly ever used in nonfiction, but one of my unique strengths is to use metaphor in completely nonfiction work which has the effect of making my nonfiction work more effective but sometimes completely will lose the reader in the metaphorically way in which I explain to completely opposing counsel (that I would win and they would lose) had the result that this Sergeant Sousa would ring me up and shouted at me for a solid hour about how I had been making terrorist threats and he was going to put me behind bars for the rest of my days I had finally gotten tired of taking this guys crap and so I finally said look man if you think I had broken the law in any way just say the word I will hop in my car right now drive down to the station and you can cuff me and read me my rights. And he wouldn't tell me to he wouldn't arrest me all the man wanted to do was Shout at me. And I just kept telling him, Look man, are you gonna arrest me? I'll come there right now. You don't have to send, fuck, he finally just hung up on me.
911: OK.
Crawford: They're absolutely, said a couple of times, man ... That is the kind of guy, that I know you guys don't like to hear this, but when ??? calls the cops a pig, they were talking about that jackass that was intimidated, I haven't committed any crime at all, *disgusted* he was just being a blowhard.
911: OK, what's your name sir?
Crawford: *proudly* Um. Michael Crawford. I call you guys all the time, I'm sure you recognize, C R A W FORD.
911: Why do you, Why do you call us all the time? ... Are you...
Crawford: Um, I myself, I'm not symptomatic now, but I have a rather severe mental illness, mental illness, of great severity, mental illness runs throughout my entire extended family, because I have largely and mumble to recover, but as a result, learn something about you know how people recover from mental illness, I seek out other people who are mentally ill, I do what I can to you know help them out of it, the result is that on a momentarily regular basis I ring up 911 wherever I happen to be to request what I'm sure you understand is called a welfare check. And uh Tim Thomson personally performed a welfare check on me which was completely inappropriate and I was NOT symptomatic in any way but he even so he was just being careful and hauled me off to a nuthouse in handcuffs and at the time he did not, it was just a matter of a simple understanding, but people at the psychiatric hospital were cool about that. But Tim is a great guy and I managed to just phase bring my computer with me, you know I'd be out on the street if I lost that thing, so he made sure I got it back, that's why if this blowhard suits to want to have me arrested, I want Tim to do it, I think that he'd get a lot out of it.
911: Ok alright Mike, I'm going to have to let you go, I'll have the officer get in touch with you, ok?
Crawford: Ok, one last thing, if you find ANYTHING on that softwareproblem.net site, interesting, useful, funny, helpful if you just wanted people to know it, lay that link via email message board website what have you, into the hands of anybody who might find it useful or interesting.
911: Ok, alright sir I'm going to have to let you go.
Crawford: Thanks ma'am.
911: Bye.
Saturday, December 31, 2011
The time 2:22 pm
911: 911 how may I help you?
Crawford: This is NOT an emergency, do you have a minute?
911: Sure.
Crawford: I'm working with Vancouver Police Officer Tim Thomson on a certain matter. Uh he was going to discuss my concerns with his supervisor who he said was down at the state department office uh a block or so east of the main library. I just happened to be heading that way, and I was kinda hoping I might talk but the place is bolted up tight. I RANG the doorbell, I know there can't be many people here
911: At the headquarters? You're on 83?
Crawford: Yeah, I'm standing right out by the back door, it's uh?
911: Yeah, nobody's there.
Crawford: Nobody at all?
911: No, nobody at all. They're out on call.
Crawford: Okay, no, I didn't, I know they're out chasing crooks and stuff, lets do this a different way, it's not urgent, nobody's going to get away or get killed, if you could just either uh forward me, if he's not busy, Tim Thomson's cell phone, or if that's not possible, if you could just send him a message and ask him to call me, I'll give you my number, and uh, the library shouldn't be far, there's lots of places where we can talk, I just wanted to talk to him personally, mumble but it's not urgent.
911: Ok, your name sir?
Crawford: Michael Crawford, C R A W F O R D.
911: *typing* Ok, and your phone number?
Crawford: Uh area code um 503, uh 927, uh, XXXX. And I also wanted to say, I would talk to Tim about this cop and, a completely different part, department, that was really giving me a hard time, and I didn't expect this reaction from Tim, but I'm very um gratified, Tim said he was working through the channels to have that guy investigated and disciplined for violating all manner of constitutional rights, but that's not the reason I came down here, but the reason I did is that I have some data that is really helpful to law enforcement in their pursuit of justice and the FBI just told me to go away every time I tried to give it to them. This is NOT in Vancouver's jurisdiction, but it'd be really cool that a law enforcement officer would let me give him some written material that if he can pass that on to somebody with a half a brain, who uh when given information could put some very wh, kinda violent psychopathic felons behind bars for the rest of their days. might actually, if they don't investigate it go find somebody who could. It's not urgent, if he's out chasing crooks, it could certainly wait for the last few years, but I've had a lot on my mind because I've been thinking about this shit, I've been days on end with not getting enough sleep, It would be a huge release to talk to Tim, give him some written notes that I wrote damn near a year and a half ago that I tried to give to the FBI that they just would not get back to me and if that simple matter of knowing that Tim would put that into the hands of somebody who would make a difference would let me finally get a good night's sleep.
911: OK, I'll give him the message and have him call you OK Michael?
Crawford: OK I'm not gonna hang out at the police station cause there's nowhere to sit but I'll be somewhere in around downtown Vancouver, I'll go find someplace that's open and can sell me a coffee I'll be nearby here.
911: OK
Crawford: And and okay he doesn't need to meet me in person if he's busy, uh a phone call would be all I need.
911: Alright I'll let him know.
Crawford: Thanks.
911: Thank you.
Crawford: Listen man the fact that you didn't just tell me to get lost made. my. whole. fucking. day.
911: No, I'm glad sir, so you just, er, hold tight, and I'll have, uh, Officer Thomson give you a call back.
Crawford: Thank you.
911: Thank you sir, bye-bye.
Crawford: Bye-bye.
Saturday December 31, 2011
The time 2:41 p.m.
911: 911 how can I help you?
Crawford: Hi, my name is Michael Crawford I've been chatting with you guys off and on the last couple of days. Tim Thomson was working with me with a certain matter, I just called in hopes that he would discuss a completely different matter with me that is an incredibly serious crime in which an illegal arms manufacturer made completely untraceable fully automatic weapons then to make that all of his people would...
911: *interrupting* OK OK OK Michael Michael what's a phone number he can reach you at?
Crawford: OK ANY law enforcement on the face of the earth, even the damn dog catcher, I have all manner of information that nobody will allow me to give them. It's not in Vancouver's jurisdiction, but if I gave you a written document that some law enforcement officer passed from an official channel to the law enforcement officers in some place I'm not gonna tell you over an unsecured cell phone connection, the very, the incredible horror I have lived with--didn't actually see this happen simply having it described to me I am completely overcome with the worst kind of inconsolable grief, imagine what it was like for my closest and oldest friend, to see some guy who let something slip that he shouldn't, they had everybody downstairs in their meth lab and down in the basement, nice and quiet and way out in the middle of nowhere, they had a little machine shop, it's actually, it's actually pretty cool to make your own machine gun, and it's NOT that hard, the tools for it are three to five thousand dollars and I'm a MUCH better machinist than most of those guys were. If you actually make your machine guns you know there's no serial number the rifling is completely uncharacteristic, so even if the law enforcement authorities find it they won't trace it, they had everybody there, that friend of mine, was, you know most people would call her a meth whole but actually she was pretty devoted to that guy, the kingpin standing right next to him, and he opened fire on that guy with a goddamned machine gun, and I'm going to tell you and I DO know that this is being recorded, hold on, Corporal Zimmerman, I wrote down his badge number ok no doubt you don't need that, told me to FUCK off. So after I speak to SOMEBODY with a clue my VERY next step, I'm not going to tell him the kind of details I gave you, I'm going to the Columbian newspaper as well as the Portland Oregonian, goddamned EVERY printed publication in ALL of creation, and there's going to get the recording between you and me out of the Freedom of the Information Act, and other then when they're going to redact the fact [lol] that I just, you know, like I myself have a bunch of information that would have this guy coming after me with homemade machine guns, it's going to be on the front page of every paper in the fucking known universe, if some law enforcement officer, all I require is to him make a simple phone call, an email, or a fax, to lay this information into the hands of someone who could make a difference. There's all kinds of federal stuff about this but I've been circling desperately for two solid years and I cannot even set foot in the FBI because they just get pissed off just like the way Corporal Zimmerman did. And I DO know that... Are you there?
911: I'm here.
Crawford: Ok, my name is Michael Crawford, R A W F O R D, my phone number is, Portland area code actually it's in Vancouver and Tim Thomson knows all about me, great guy, but the matter I spoke to him about today is completely different, completely unrelated, the reason I'm SO worked up now, SO pissed at Corporal Zimmerman, is that the very first time in in in the last few years that I've been trying to bring this to the attention of the legal authorities, Tim Thomson was the first law enforcement officer who even gave me the impression that he bothered even going into work in the morning rather than jacking off and watching TV all day and letting the crooks run free. That's the kind of impression I get from people like the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I forgot my phone number I'm sure it's caller ID but I'll confirm it. Area code 503, 927, XXXX. And one last comment, I didn't want to give any any ANY details at all to Corporal Zimmerman, just as gave to you, because I'm speaking over what's called an unsecured channel, and you know the military and the diplomats are all heavily into that, and you might think nobody's going to pick up my cell phone conversation and they'll of course hunt down me as well as my closest and oldest friend, but consider that when Princess Diana ya know who's gonna be Queen of England some day, was screwing around on the side in ya know with some military guy and he called her up and asked to see her to be in the sack some day, right on the 5 o'clock news all over England was a recording of her voice saying she didn't want to have sex because didn't want to get, in her exact word, PREGGERS. Listen man, I could do that to YOUR cell phone at the DROP of a hat and I don't even need to know your number. I don't, I should NOT have to tell a law enforcement officer that I named an informant over an unsecured connection and he's not willing to even meet me in PRIVATE, I it doesn't have to be today, but I haven't slept in goddamn days, I just *hysterical* I got ALL KINDS of information like this, and I'm trying to *incoherently raising voice* it away, to put it into the hands of someone who COULD make a difference, but who feels like it's actually worth their time of day to DO so. Look you 911 people are cool, but listen the law enforcement community, what the hell do we pay them for, play russian roulette with themselves?! Why don't they go chase some crooks? Listen man, you know I know speeding and drunk driving are a big deal and all, but look, you want to know how methamphetamine addiction affects people, this guy was producing at the time, I don't know if he still does it, but, you know I doubt he went, you know, went into like being a novelist or something, that kind of ?? you like ?? He was producing damn near most of the methamphetamine in the entire western United States! I am not kidding, I, I don't know the address of the drop-off, I do know where it was located, it would not be hard if it's still there probably not, it would not be hard to find in the yard, you just have some people kind of hang out there and kind of get to know. I can get you the street address of the person who told me, I'm not going to tell you if it's a man or a woman over an unsecured channel but it's one or the other. Every time I THINK of this, you know think, I'm not gonna ask you but imagine the most horrifying thing you have ever heard about, or seen or witnessed or was done to you, if you were raped or molested or you saw someone murdered or you saw your child die, the simple description of what this woman told me every time I think of it, it would be as if I watched my mother get murdered, and that goddamned Corporal Zimmerman did not seem to give a flying fuck and when asked me did nothing more, until I find a phone number of whoever I needed to lay this thing to, I just wanted HIM to make that call, that's all, and he just totally blew me off because this is NOT his jurisdiction. He had enough time sit here and have an all kinds of manner of ice cold debate about whether he could deal with it, in the time he COULD have rung up the guy that WAS in the juriction, and told him, just to read this document and either... WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HARD, TO REPORT A DRUG MURDER?!?! Look, I know this is not your fault. But look man, the fact that this guy, just go down to downtown Portland or if you really want some extra credit, go up to Vancouver British Columbia, ask somebody around what downtown eastside is, it's on Easton Street, just to the, here in, East of Berard, going to Berard in downtown Portland it's easy to find on two main streets, listen man I I always worked in there I figured I ought to check out uh East Paiston so I could get so I could know what it's all about because I really care about it, I had not been on East Paiston for ten seconds before I was solicited by a prostitute, who actually had quite obviously at at some time had been a woman of some general comfort. I politely declined as gently as I could, *voice breaking* but I did everything I could, to make her feel like a live human being. Listen man, they they went out and cleaned all the heroin needles there one day just to see how many there would be, in the space of a city block they found eight thousand of them, EIGHT THOUSAND NEEDLES. Those weren't the ones people were using, those were the ones that were too worn out so they chucked them on the ground. Listen this guy I'm trying to get off the street is responsible for the shit like that. And every time I approached a law enforcement officer about it, they ALWAYS come up with some REALLY good reason, yeah, they probably should throw that guy in jail but I'm not gonna do it because, you know I'm watching Saturday Night Live or something, they NEVER come up with any kind of credible excuse. And I HAVE reported this IN the jurisdiction, there are all kinds of federal matters, so I walked into the goddamned, Campbell, Campbell California FBI office and the guy got all pissed off at me for wasting his time because there was a real recent kidnapping and he just wanted to deal with that rather than have some secretary who wasn't a law enforcement officer you know come take notes or an audio recording. I didn't need an agent to do that, I just needed the information in FBI hands. Look I'm sorry I know people are dying and burning down houses all the time, you can go if you need to.
911: Yep, I need to.
Crawford: Ok, the fact that you sat there and listened to me just saved my whole fucking day. *sobbing* Why aren't more people like what you do? Ok, I'm gonna tell you one last thing.
911: OK
Crawford: I'm standing about halfway between the downtown uh police station which I was just hoping to talk to somebody at, and the main library, the main library's open, I'm gonna go hang in the main library and maybe have a coffee, I don't need to talk to a law enforcement officer in person, but if they wanted to, a good way would be to just meet me in the library and I'll come sit in their patrol car.
911: OK. I'll let him know.
Crawford: Ok, and it doesn't have to be, it doesn't have to be any, anybody in particular, but if I hear from that Goat Fucker Colonel Zimmerman again, Corporal Zimmerman, *menacing* listen man, he's gonna wish he had never been born. And I do not care that it's criminal to make a threat, if I, if that man darkens this doorstep, I'm gonna beat that fucker to death for not doing his goddamned job. I want this recorded, if you will not simply supply me with this recording, I'll have a freedom of information act, so that, while after redacting certain information, I'm going to put the whole goddamned thing on Youtube. Thank you ma'am, and you are a wonderful and compassionate human being.
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