Brewing your own hobo-wine on todays subprime mortgage budget By lawngnomehitman in Science Thu Jun 05, 2008 at 02:46:39 PM EST Tags: homo, hobo, wine, yeast, booze, drunk, drunkard, nazis, drinkin' it up (all tags)
	Recently GhostOfTiber posted a story about brewing your own beer.   I say, if you're going for the real hobo/homeowner experience, just brew wine, it's easier, and I'm fucking lazy.  Also, wine takes about 2 weeks to ferment, none of this worrying about carbonation or anything, let's just get lit! If you actually care about the way things taste, you might want to make some GhostOfTiber Ale and drink that until you no longer taste things, but that's entirely your prerogative...

Wine is made of 3 basic ingredients (1 fewer than beer): Water Sugar and Yeast So this makes it cheaper than beer, also, we can just use normal sugar, fuck that malt sugar stuff, we're trying to get DRUNK. So here's the hobo plan to getting all fired up on prison wine on the cheap.  Simply follow these steps and you'll end up drunk and naked in someone else's living room before you know it! (not that I speak from experience, it was just a dream, that's my story, fuck you all...).  LETS BEGIN: Getting started: gather the following: 5 gallon water jug (if you're a techie, just steal this from work, no-one will notice the missing jug, especially not the guy who comes in and replaces the empties with fulls).  PROTIP: these are easier to steal when they're empty (end of the day) or you're drunk (every day). PROTIP 2: Try not to steal more than 1 between refills, if the guy comes in to replace the empties with fulls and finds 0 empties, someone might get suspicious... 10 cans of something sugary from your grocer's frozen aisle (but let it come to room temperature before using it), usually this is going to be grape juice, if you want to keep this hobo-hooch a little close to wine, otherwise, just pick something with sugar in it that is expected to be drunk after having been mixed with water.  IDEA: Perhaps the stuff that suggests you mix it with vodka will work well in this situation, as we'll be making our own alcohol, but I don't know, never tried that, too rich for my hobo blood. MOAR SUGAR: nah, just 2-3 5lb bags of sugar. Use 2 if you want dry wine, 3 if you want sweet (remember, we're making 5 gallons here) WATER - should be free, you're not really a hobo, you're just drinking like one... BLEACH - DON'T DRINK IT FUNNEL - clean it first, who knows what is growing in there... RUBBER BAND - although, if, by some miracle or mistake of nature you have a girlfriend, you've got a rubberband, christ, you've probably got half a fucking million of them, she calls them "hair ties", remove one of the ones you've got wrapped around your ballsack for this project, you can put it back later. Balloon, a condom could do in a pinch, I suppose, but if you use a condom, make sure it's one of the ones without spermicide on it... you don't want that in your high-class hooch! Active Dry Yeast - not going to offer the best flavor, but it's cheap as fuck, and you're a hobo, so this is an EPIC WIN LET'S MAKE HOOCH!! Sterilize EVERYTHING! - assume it all has herpes! - your last girlfriend did - mix 6 tbsp bleach with 5 gallons water in that water jug you stole from work.  Swirl it around, make sure it touches all of the surfaces on the inside of the bottle, then pour it through the funnel, and on the outside of the funnel, as well as on the outsides of the outside of the cans of sugary-drink (grape concentrate) and the lid for the water jug. Then pour it down the drain, See that shiny shit?!?- that's what it looks like when you clean your trailer!   Boil some water, and let it cool off to the point that you're ok putting your hand in it, BUT DON'T PUT YOUR HERPES RIDDEN APPENDAGE IN THAT WATER!! Rinse everything that was touched with the bleach water, to get rid of the bleach residue. Now that you've got all of the little herpes out of there, we can get started making the hooch!    Boil water, cool it, and then dump it into the jug until you get the jug about 75% full with water, then stop filling it. Add the 10 cans of sugary-water-shit at room temperature. Add all of the sugar. Cap the water jug, and shake the shit out of it, until everything is all homogeneous, THIS DOES NOT INVOLVE FAGGOTRY, it just means "the same", shake the shit out of it until it's all the same in there. Start your yeast - follow the instructions on the package, usually this involves mixing the yeast into sugar water at about 110 deg F, give it about 10 minutes, when it's pretty frothy, proceed. Take the cap off of the water jug, and dump the started yeast in there. Cap that shit, and shake it again, moar air in the water = better environment for the yeast to make your booze = better drunkenness! Take the cap off and put the balloon/condom over the mouth of the jug, and then put the whole situation in a closet. (NOTE: If you're feeling particularly lazy, you can put a tiny pin-hole in the balloon to allow it to gas-out on its own, this should not affect the quality of your hobo-wine) Go do your standard thing for the next 2 weeks. Check the balloon once daily to be sure it's not going to burst, if it bursts all that hard work gets you VINEGAR, which you can't get drunk from, so that's a fail!  MAKE SURE THAT FUCKING BALLOON DOES NOT BREAK!!!!!!  If it looks like it's about to burst, you need to burp it so that the pressure is relieved, but don't let any air get in there. Go on with your normal life: work, drink, masturbate, sleep, GOTO 0... After 2 weeks, take the balloon off of the jug and get your biggest straw, it's ready to drink!!!!1 If you remember, cap it before you pass out for the night, otherwise you end up with rank wine by the end of the week, and your life still sucks regardless... ENJOY DRINKING LIKE A HOBO/PRISONER

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