Incest is so often spoken about in the same breath as abuse, but if you're close in age and equal in relationship terms then it's entirely different. Of course abuse happens, but it can happen in any sexual relationship and there's an expectation that a family member would never hurt you in the way that someone else could. There's no comparison between siblings close in age having sexual feelings and contact and an adult forcing a younger member of the family to do something they neither understand nor want to be involved in. I think incest is traditionally seen as bad, but in some cultures that isn't the case. When I was small I asked a Sunday school teacher if Adam and Eve's children married each other since they were the first people on earth. She just laughed and didn't reply. Having children with Julia was never an issue and we were always careful about contraception.
All my memories of my relationship with Julia are good. she's only a year older than me and we've always been close, especially since we always seemed to be full of nonsense compared with our older sister Jane. She's four years older than Julia and very studious and focused, while she's bursting with fun and light-hearted enthusiasm. I've adored her for as long as I can remember and my parents were always delighted by our closeness when we were small. We shared friends and moved happily in the same social circles, so I could never understand boys who didn't get it on with their sisters.
Things changed when I was 14. I had spent hours getting ready for my first Christmas dance when I knocked on Julia's bedroom door. It's a dodgy age as you're trying to come to terms with your developing body and worry endlessly about how you look, so her wolf whistle was very welcome as she swept me into her arms and we pirouetted, laughing, around the room, before going downstairs to show off our finery to our parents and Jane.
On New Year's Eve Julia went to a party and by the time she got home I was already asleep. I was extremely sleepy when she crept into my room and curled up on my bed, which was something we'd both done for years, especially if we wanted to share some snippet of gossip. When she started stroking my hair and face it was a surprise, but I could feel myself drifting pleasurably back to sleep as she caressed me gently. Then I became aware of her hand drifting lower and suddenly I was wide awake as she stroked my neck and started sliding her hand down my pyjama shirt. I wasn't scared but I was surprised as she started stroking me, though my overriding sensation was one of sheer pleasure. I instinctively lifted my mouth to her as she kissed me and then she hugged me very tightly and left.
I lay in complete confusion with my mind racing and my body totally turned on. All the sex education I'd had said that this was wrong, that it was abuse and incest. But it hadn't felt wrong and I certainly hadn't felt forced. Rather, I felt that Julia had stopped long before I'd wanted her to. It was hours before I finally fell asleep but I was sure of two things - that I'd really enjoyed it and I still adored my sister.
The next morning it was clear that Julia had a hangover but as she grinned up at me from her prone position on the couch there was no awkwardness or regret between us. We didn't discuss what had happened, but went for a long walk that afternoon with Jane and the dog and everything felt the same, down to Jane chiding us about being irresponsible about leaving our parents to do all the tidying up after new year's dinner.
Over the next few years we had sexual encounters every six months or so, each time going farther and farther until I was 17, when we had full sex for the first time. We both went out with other people and there was never any jealousy, although I found it hard to be physically intimate with anyone else. Part of that was because sex with Julia was so amazing that I had no patience for all the fumbling that seemed to happen with other girls. The sex was never pre-planned, but just always seemed to happen when there was no chance of being discovered.
Every so often I would wonder what people would think if they found out, especially our parents, but it always felt so right and was so exciting that these concerns were never enough to stop me. Sometimes she initiated sex and sometimes I did, but in between times our relationship was as easy, relaxed and affectionate as ever, with the incredible passion of each encounter quietly banked away until the next time.
I missed Julia when she went to university, but went to stay with her every three months or so. Sometimes we would have sex and at other times neither of us seemed interested. By the time she met Todd she was working and I was a student, and I knew that this relationship was different, but it still came as a shock when she told me she wanted to marry him. However, I was more shocked when she said: "You only have to say and I won't marry him, but then I want us to stay together and not see anyone else. We could be the old boring brother and sister who never got married, but ended up sharing a house because no one else would have them! I know this is meant to be wrong but I've never felt anything so right." This echoed everything that I've thought about our incestuous relationship over the years. After hours of discussion we agreed that it was time to stop the sexual side of our relationship and also decided that telling anyone else was a bad idea, parting in tears afterwards.
I know Julia loves Todd, but he's very wary of me. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't see me as a sexual threat, but he thinks of me as an emotional rival and I suppose he's right. It's not unusual - there are countless people dealing with all the emotions that result from partners becoming officially family.
I have wondered if there will ever come a time when I'll look back on my relationship with Julia in disgust, but I don't think so. Everyone has relationships where the sexual element has ended but a great friendship remains, and that's as good a way as any of summing up what's happened with us. Julia has a unique place in my affections, as I do with her, and that will never change.
As an academic I have a tendency to draw logical conclusions. I like to see a pattern and resolution, so it does pain me that what appears so lovely and natural to me would be regarded as abhorrent by most people. It's not my subject, but I would be really interested to see a study on incest done on these terms, moving it away entirely from the concept of abuse. However, I simply cannot imagine that many people are happy to talk about it and I certainly wouldn't put my family through hell by being the first to go public.
Three months ago I met Ava and I think this is going to be a lasting relationship. The sex is certainly amazing and she's a warm and lovely woman, so I have high hopes for this. The trouble with having someone like Julia in your life is that it leaves you with very high expectations, but it's hard knowing that the one person you love above everything is out of bounds. Perhaps worst of all is the fact that you can't tell anyone, as his or her disgust would ruin everything.
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