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HOWTO: Hosting An Orgy

By medharn in Culture
Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 12:00:00 PM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags)
Culture

Remember key parties?

No, of course no one here remembers key parties. You're all too young. Well, maybe wampswillon remembers, but she was probably too young to participate.

But back in the day, us grown-ups had orgies. Real live orgies, with real live people having real live group sex. It was part of the zeitgeist of the age, NYC during the economic boom, before the Energy Crises of the Seventies, and after the Sexual Revolution of the Sixties. And it's making a comeback, despite AIDS and STDs.

Here's some tips to make your next orgy a success.


As someone who was old enough to remember sex before AIDS and Herpes Simplex XVIII, orgies were a regular staple of my sexual diet. I've even thrown a few, back when I was living in a pre-war Manhattan apartment on the Upper East Side from 1964 to 1980.

There are two sorts of orgies, the kind where couples gather to couple with other couples, and free-for-alls. The latter is sometimes problematic, what with finding the right ratio of yoni to lingam. Fortunately, some women can be especially accomodating, so it all works out in the end.

So, guest list is key. I was dabbling as an art dealer at the time, so I rubbed elbows with the downtown crowd. Just as variety is the spice of life, so it is the lifeblood of an orgy. Having just heterosexual couples at an orgy is so vanilla. No, it's a mayonnaise on white bread sandwich. I knew a number of gay couples, lesbians, drag queens, transsexuals, and most were welcome to attend. I say most because some of my lesbian friends were rather militant (this was the Seventies, after all), and loved to single out so-called happily married women as an act of subversion against the Empire of the Phallus.

Hosting an orgy is like hosting any party, except with ample fresh towels, lubricants, and nowadays bowls of condoms every six square feet. The liquor should flow freely, the food should not be especially gas-producing (save the Three Bean Salad for the church picnic), and the music should be cosmopolitan, exotic, and daring. Set a mood with music and lighting, something that encourages people to shed their everyday skins. Babtunde Olatunji's Drums of Passion always worked for me.

There's no orgy without some sort of scene. A wife gets talked into attending and then resents having to participate. A husband seems amenable to the idea until he sees his wife blowing a strange man. Some bi-curious straight guy gets buyer's remorse after sucking a drag queen's cock. Someone drinks too much, smokes too much. Words are exchanged, fists are cocked, cocks are fisted.

If this happens, separate the aggrieved parties immediately. Set aside a room for the inebriated to recover their senses. Keep everything cool and under control. Nothing kills an orgy like a full on fistfight. Before you know it, everyone's looking for their clothes and you spend the rest of the night getting semen out of your shag carpets. Knowing a good, discreet cleaning service that works Sundays is a boon.

Basically, if you throw an orgy, don't expect to get tons of sex. You'll get a BJ, maybe some tail, but you'll be too busy playing host or hostess to enjoy the pleasures of the flesh.

One last thing: we experienced orgyists call it The Goat. There's always going to be one person whose sexual proclivities define the corner case. The apocryphal example is the guy who shows up at an orgy with a goat on a leash. The practical example is someone who exceeds his partner's unspoken limits, with things like pain, watersports, scat, or fisting, for example. That's the sort of person you show to the door, and who's blacklisted among the informal network of hosts. You can only hope that things don't get out of hand, that people don't get hurt, and that you're not digging feces out of a shag carpet on a Sunday morning. But expect the worst and hope for the best.

Like I said, AIDS and other STDs killed the orgy in its purest form. But so did Plato's Retreat and the gay bath houses. I've been to a couple over the last few decades, but it's just not the same as those golden Sexual Revolution years.

So, good luck with your orgy, and have fun.

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Related Links
o key parties
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o Drums of Passion
o The Goat
o Plato's Retreat
o gay bath houses
o Sexual Revolution
o Also by medharn


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HOWTO: Hosting An Orgy | 138 comments (97 topical, 41 editorial, 0 hidden)
Useful Information (2.50 / 4) (#1)
by alphaxer0 on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 12:57:20 AM EST

A solid contribution to the k5 collection.

I don't believe in "real sex" (2.22 / 9) (#2)
by nostalgiphile on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 01:10:32 AM EST

"Real sex" is what you're supposed to have when you're not masturbating, only it's never as good (or as frequent) as the fantasies you have while masturbating. In short, "real sex" is a myth.

Still, this is a pretty good article, tinged with just enough 70s nostalgia for me to +1FP it.

"Depending on your perspective you are an optimist or a pessimist[,] and a hopeless one too." --trhurler
You're forgetting something vital (2.00 / 4) (#5)
by Lode Runner on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 02:29:04 AM EST

Much more important than who comes is when.

Nota bene, medharn: I consider your story harassment.

i always find planned sex (1.66 / 6) (#6)
by circletimessquare on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 04:02:14 AM EST

not as enjoyable as random sex

the drunken random threesome i had was mind blowing

but the one i meticulously planned was a total let down

so i think the best way to have an orgy is, in fact, to not prepare for it at all


The tigers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.

Style (2.57 / 7) (#9)
by Scrymarch on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 06:49:07 AM EST

Please expound further on orgy (or, technically, pre-orgy) fashion. Is it best to follow the Roman cue, with loose, flowing clothes, or are little black dresses more appropriate? Should I grow a full handlebar moustache or is a merely lip covering one sufficient? How long should I grow my sideburns?

Plato's retreat (2.00 / 2) (#13)
by rpresser on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 09:35:41 AM EST

I remember reading a Playboy article (yes, I read them; what else are you supposed to do after washing your hands?) about Plato's retreat. Of course I was about twelve, so it was only a dream ...

Wasn't/Isn't the vacation place Sandals supposed to be a permanent floating orgy, too?
------------
"In terms of both hyperbolic overreaching and eventual wrongness, the Permanent [Republican] Majority has set a new, and truly difficult to beat, standard." --rusty

I only remember (none / 1) (#15)
by Psychopath on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 01:16:02 PM EST

tequila and porn parties.
only in my imagination though.
--
The only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain. -- Karl Marx
"medharn" more like "mad horn" (2.33 / 3) (#19)
by Patrick Chalmers on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 03:29:28 PM EST


Holy crap, working comment search!
+1 when it goes to votes (2.33 / 3) (#21)
by Golden Hawk on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 04:18:43 PM EST

Stories like this are why I love kuro5hin.  Stuff that's interesting but other news and opinion sources would shy away from.
-- Daniel Benoy
Vote Abstain (2.44 / 9) (#34)
by partialpeople on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 09:02:58 PM EST

Because no sex is safe sex.

But how to have sex? (2.00 / 4) (#36)
by United Fools on Mon Apr 24, 2006 at 09:08:04 PM EST

That has to be answered first.

We are united, we are fools, and we are America!
Why is this article rising much faster than (1.66 / 3) (#54)
by United Fools on Tue Apr 25, 2006 at 02:02:55 AM EST

the advice one? The K5 rating system is not fair.

We are united, we are fools, and we are America!
remember the Ice Storm? (none / 1) (#63)
by thankyougustad on Tue Apr 25, 2006 at 06:09:51 PM EST

Your vote (1) was recorded. This story currently has a total score of 69.

No no thanks no
Je n'aime que le bourbon
no no thanks no
c'est une affaire de goût.

more orgy tips (2.40 / 5) (#66)
by SFJoe on Tue Apr 25, 2006 at 10:26:28 PM EST

Orgies never really went away. I've hosted more than a few and can add a few tips of my own. First off, I never allow alcohol. It leads to too many problems. From "whisky-dick" to misunderstandings getting escalated into a fight, it's not worth the trouble. People can have a few cocktails before they arrive if they really need to. You said that you welcomed non-heterosexual people to your parties. I went one step further: heterosexuals had to be very cool and personally known by me before they'd be allowed in. Straight men are like vermouth - a little goes a long ways. If you have a party with all bisexual and queer folks, you end up having a lot more fun. You're dead on about the host not getting any. With me, it was never a problem finding time but I was always stressing out over the usual party host stuff - is ther eenough food?? Enough condoms? Is everyone enjoying themselves. I was always too stressed to fuck. People hosting orgies are always surprised by how much hard work it is.

slick read (none / 1) (#67)
by cibby on Tue Apr 25, 2006 at 10:53:54 PM EST

Very interesting... how about a follow-up article?

Ah, those post-Sexual Revolution days sound hedonistic and wild. Now, sex is forced to be sexy, and consequences fuck insecurities.

hey next time (2.75 / 12) (#68)
by wampswillion on Tue Apr 25, 2006 at 11:26:00 PM EST

you write a diary or story  about orgys, could you please leave my name out of the article altogether.

thanks.   that would be swell.  

OMG comment 70 (1.50 / 6) (#70)
by my gold bling shines on Wed Apr 26, 2006 at 03:41:58 AM EST

is a woman bent over, and a fat man pushed up against her


Stop your blubbering prima donna - BottleRocket
Ten reasons not to go to an orgy (2.14 / 7) (#72)
by A Bore on Wed Apr 26, 2006 at 05:11:01 AM EST

Chlamydia
Gonorrhea
AIDS
Syphilis
Genital Herpes - the gift that keeps on giving
HTLV
Pubic Lice
Scabies
Hepatitis
HPV

Many are asymptomatic, the sufferer being entirely unaware that they have the disease. Chlamydia can destroy fertility. AIDS is a lifelong burden, inevitably leading to a wasting, weakened death.

When you have sex with someone, you're objectively having sex with everyone they've slept with in the past, and everyone they've slept with, and so on and so forth.

There was the excuse of ignorance for this behaviour back in the late 70's, early 80's. Pleasures of the flesh can never fill that spiritual need that drives people to concoct these scenarios.

Somethingawful's take on the topic of orgies... (2.33 / 3) (#73)
by aw70 on Wed Apr 26, 2006 at 05:57:59 AM EST

http://www.somethingawful.com/articles.php?a=3636

Definitely worth a read it you enjoyed the main article... :-)

So, the key is actually (2.50 / 4) (#80)
by livus on Wed Apr 26, 2006 at 05:53:12 PM EST

people skills? Hmm I always wondered why those HR types seem so dodgy.

Orgies are as old as time. My mother remembers a scandal in a small conservative town in NZ in the 1940s, where it transpired that some of the locals were regularly engaging in a party trick - one which involved the men getting naked and covering themselves with sheets, which had holes cut in them at penis level. The idea was that no one knew whose was whose.

I was invited to a series of orgies a few times in the late 90s. However, I'd already found out (from their boasting/complaints/commentary) that some of the other invitees were people who I hope to never, ever see naked, much less fuck. I think guest list is important.

---
HIREZ substitute.
be concrete asshole, or shut up. - CTS
I guess I skipped school or something to drink on the internet? - lonelyhobo
I'd like to hope that any impression you got about us from internet forums was incorrect. - debillitatus
I consider myself trolled more or less just by visiting the site. HollyHopDrive

F-1ction (3.00 / 3) (#96)
by sllort on Thu Apr 27, 2006 at 08:21:30 PM EST

Aw cmon, somebody had to say it.
--
Warning: On Lawn is a documented liar.
ok (none / 0) (#107)
by R3X on Fri May 12, 2006 at 01:41:12 AM EST

OK so i ran this by my gf..bad news, its a no go.
Kick & Push
Mucho retardo (1.00 / 2) (#108)
by mcrbids on Fri May 12, 2006 at 04:41:13 AM EST

As a (now) happily married man, I can say that it took YEARS for me and my wife to become intimately familiar with what each other likes. We both are blessed with a desire to make the other as happy as possible.

With this combination, sex leaves a religous experience far, far behind. Imagine having a partner who enjoys giving you exactly what you want, as much as you want, for as long as you can stand it, and who frequently pushes the envelope, in order to try new stuff. that you might like.

And who knows exactly, full well, what you want and most enjoy, and who enjoys giving it to you, while you do the same in return. Absofuckingly incredible. That's what having the right partner in marriage means.

I'm not interested in orgies, they can never come even close to this. By definition the other party barely knows your name, let alone how you like your privates massaged.

Sorry. Orgies are for those who have trouble committing, or are unable to find a suitable partner. By definition, this includes geeks, dweebs, fat slobs, and those who can't differentiate a good sexual partner from a good pet.

I'll pass, thank you.


I kept looking around for somebody to solve the problem. Then I realized... I am somebody! -Anonymouse

ever think of outside orgy? (none / 1) (#109)
by ShiftyStoner on Sun May 14, 2006 at 05:18:14 PM EST

sure the neibors would be offended, but is it illegal in a fenced backyard. or do you go to church or something?

why not encourage fights, why wouldnt you want to kick some tranies ass for cumming on your carpet?

and another thing, any good orgy should start at 4:20, not really, im just trying to be clever. straws razors glass and surenges should also be provided.

now that's an orgy worth fantasising about.
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler

OMG! (none / 0) (#110)
by ShiftyStoner on Sun May 14, 2006 at 05:21:22 PM EST

24 hour backyard orgy, no, backyard orgy, a neverending story. I'm totaly making flyers.

Finaly, a use for the backyard.
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler

OMG! (none / 1) (#111)
by ShiftyStoner on Sun May 14, 2006 at 05:22:51 PM EST

I wish i wasn't a broke ass loser in real life.
( @ )'( @ ) The broad masses of a population are more amenable to the appeal of rhetoric than to any other force. - Adolf Hitler
Great Story (none / 0) (#134)
by this shit is crazy on Fri May 26, 2006 at 11:05:04 PM EST

i would loved to have been in my early 20s in the 70s orgies would have been a regular event on my calendar ( of course back then they didnt know about the sexual diseases like we do now). Nowadays though i would only be thinking of what diseases the people have or had. SICK, i definately couldnt do it now.

I am posting this comment just to say ... (none / 0) (#136)
by satyr on Wed May 31, 2006 at 08:23:59 PM EST

... thanks much medharn for the courage for sharing this information with us here at K5 site (btw. it's a nicely written article too); also, I must add that I totally regret that I wasn't born yet back then in those "crazy days".

satyr

my signature:
________________

Male, relatively young and relatively well-preserved. :) I see myself as an open-minded person, a critical thinker, rationalist and skeptic.

lamer. (none / 0) (#138)
by Lemon Douche on Fri Aug 04, 2006 at 09:33:41 PM EST


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HOWTO: Hosting An Orgy | 138 comments (97 topical, 41 editorial, 0 hidden)
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