When I was 18 or 19 I felt that being a
virgin was still okay; one day I confidently stated this at work--a
receiving/shipping air & truck terminal, blue collar work with
older union guys who openly talked about sex all the time--and felt
extremely shamed at the response I got. In retrospect they
weren't judgemental but surprised, and two of them offered to "pay"
for me, and I felt insulted and ashamed at that. As I went through
my 20's I matured in many ways: I became completely financially
responsible for myself, I moved out of Mom's house, I worked my way
through college and built a successful career. I was a responsible,
productive adult, but I wasn't dating. Although I felt shame from
time to time about being a virgin I had an inner confidence that once
I started dating things would go well for me; I was overweight but
otherwise good looking, and I had the job and finances going my way
[insert your own confidences and no-confidences here]; what wasn't
to like? At age 27 I finally started dating but constantly got the
"let's just be friends" and variants of that. Then I felt something
was wrong with me; I was missing something. Here I am, 27, dating,
but women aren't going for me. I suddenly felt like I was 14 again:
just starting to like girls but clueless about them. It was a very
weird feeling to feel so adult and so childish at the same time,
and I felt that my lack of experience with women was a large part
of why they weren't interested. I was 27 then and they expected
me to know how to woo and seduce a woman. I don't know if that's
what they all thought, but my 4-year woman date/friend (on and off)
definitely has an issue with being my first sexual experience, and
I've overheard other conversations of women my age indicating they
vastly prefer experienced men. As the years went by into my 30's I
became more and more shy and now am deathly afraid of a woman or my
peers making me feel ashamed or juvenile if they find out I'm still
a virgin. When I was 28 I dated 7 women in that year, but I've dated
one in the past two years now.
I don't even talk to anyone about my virginity anymore; at one time
I had a female email pen-pal with whom I felt comfortable sharing my
feelings and getting her point of view but after a year quit learning
from her and felt I was whining all the time, and briefly I shared
some inner thoughts with my married sister but felt disrespected in
her responses, and I no longer talk about sex or virginity with my
4-year lady friend because I know she would've slept with me by now
if she ever wanted to, and conversing with her about sex feels like
getting rejected all over again; I feel like she thinks of me as her
girlfriend or a neutered guy; if she reinforces her unwillingness to
have sex with me it's a direct rejection, but even if she tries to
encourage me it's like she's saying "you're not good enough for me,
but if you could find someone desperate enough to have sex with
you...."
Of course, there are many parts of our society that encourage or
even insist that men remain virgins until marriage. This site is not
to debate that; if your values or beliefs lead you to stay a virgin
I have no problem with that and respect you for it. This site is to
help those who are adult frustrated involuntary virgins from feeling
so bad.
It's Not As Bad As We Think
I'm about to stop composing for today, but I don't want to end on a
whiny, shaming, "I feel bad" mood, because you had that before you
read all this. I think a lot of our problem is self-shaming, and I
don't think others think our being an older virgin is as bad as we
think; I'm beginning to suspect there is a lot of understanding and
acceptance available to us if we opened up a bit. Everyone
is insecure about something. I am no longer just overweight but
obese, yet when I take the time to pull my head out of my ass
I realize that people--even women--react very positively to me,
and I sense attraction from women. Some of you might think you're
ugly or otherwise undesirable, but look around and some of the guys
with women and you'll see there is always somebody uglier or less
desirable with a woman. Our feelings of insecurity and desperation are
self-feeding, and they show through to women; I'm sure of this. When
I'm attracted to a woman is when it all falls apart for me. When
I'm not feeling that way women are fine and warm with me. I'll bet
you're the same way.
I believe that our insecurities sabotage our advances towards women. I
think women are very accommodating, but they want us to drive. Some
women don't want to deal with an inexperienced lover, but I believe if
I approached my 4-year lady friend with straightforward statements
of intention and my experience I would've had sex with her, but
instead I approached her almost apologetically and almost
begging; in retrospect it was like I was asking "please, mommy,
can I have some sex?" or "will you teach me to have sex?" I think it
would've been much more likely to succeed if I had confidently said
something like "I'm a bit nervous about sex, but I want to rub your
feet [she likes when I do that], massage your body and see where that
leads." Or maybe it would've been better just to do it and not say it.
In short I think if we can accept our virginity and lack of experience
yet still proceed with confidence the women will feel relaxed and
accommodating and not feel like they have to teach us to be men. Much
easier to say than do, of course, but perhaps if we can air out our
insecurities here anonymously and get our heads (both of them) on
straight we can finally feel confident, loved and accepted.
One of the
first things I'm asked whenever I (rarely) tell someone I'm a virgin:
"Do you masturbate?" I don't think it's funny when they ask, but it
happens every time, and I think that's funny. Maybe that indicates
that they aren't judging me but reflect upon their own insecurities
and wonder how I can go for long without an orgasm?
I Got Laid!
Well, I got laid. And I'll give you my thoughts before and
after, and describe as best I can the experience of losing my
virginity to a paid escort in a hotel room in Windsor, Ontario
(Canada). This is really long and rambling, and it changes subjects
rapidly a few times, but that's what you get. I think I'm more
apt to go try to get laid some more rather than refine this. I
hope this helps! It's divided into three smaller headlines. If
you want the Penthouse Forum fuck'n'suck details right away, jump
to paragraphs 5 and 6 after the "Fuck and Tell" headline. I get
pretty detailed. But a lot of my thoughts are in here too. In the
third headline "Virgin No More" I try to provide encouraging and
enlightening thoughts for adult male virgins to consider.
Before: Last Days of Virginity
I've been trying lately to get myself out of the apartment and be
more social. I've been getting more and more hermit-like over the
past two years, and I'm not getting any younger. Frankly I'm getting
fatter, too; it's a cycle that feeds itself: I feel unwanted for
being fat, so I stay at home and do less and get fatter. It's a
hard battle with myself, and my lack of confidence doesn't help. I
put an ad up on Yahoo! Personals and sent a few emails but got
no responses!
In the past I never wanted a prostitute. I was mildly curious, but
the stigma was too bad, and I didn't think paying a woman to have
sex would increase my confidence. In fact I thought paying for sex
would decrease it, and I figured I'd then think "gee, I can only
get sex if I pay for it." And, of course, in most of the U.S. it's
illegal. So the combined stigma, personal feelings, high risk of
public embarassment if caught and fear of the scene (disease, drugs,
possibly getting robbed) kept me from ever seriously considering
it. But recently I started trying to learn more about it. It's
really hard to find that sort of info! For a couple of weeks I
had no solid info, then I found the World Sex Guide web site. It
includes forums where guys post their experiences with prostitutes
including prices, tips and such. I read and read and read and got
a better idea of what the costs, procedures and risks would be for
given areas. Many of these guys are "sex tourists" or "hobbyists"
who regularly visit prostitutes. Some are single and some are
married or otherwise in a relationship. Even here I found no info
about losing your virginity to a prostitute, but you can't have
everything, can you? For more general prostitute info and links,
go to my American Prostitution freesite linked below.
Reading about the hows, wheres, costs and risks of prostitution took
much of the fear of the unknown away. And I found out that outcall
prostitution is legal in Canada, and in fact the escorts register
with the state! I decided that since I'm not getting any younger,
and I'm not making progress towards dating or having sex I would
start seriously considering paying a prostitute. For various cost,
referral and risk reasons, my three preferred options were to
hire a local outcall girl to come to my house ($300/hr), drive to
another state that seems to not be cracking down on some strip clubs
offering sex in the back rooms ($90/half hour or orgasm, whichever
first) and driving to Canada, getting a room and hiring an outcall
escort (legal, $150-$300 per hour Canadian = $107-$214 US, plus gas,
tolls and hotel, hotel rates vary, 2-3 hour rates available). I
decided I wanted a girl who would not make me feel rushed or hurt my
ego in any way, so I decided Canada was the way to go because the
girls' contact information and reputation are fully public because
they are legal and registered. I picked an independent escort (as
opposed to an agency) that seemed well-recommended and relatively
cheap to boot. I emailed her and told her where I was from, how I
heard of her and that I was looking to lose my virginity in hopes
of lifting my confidence and increasing my sex drive. I told her
I'd like to come up on my day off. She emailed back and was pretty
friendly but said she had a cold and was taking the weekend off. She
did ask me to let her know if I could come up later.
Fuck and Tell: The Gory Details
By now I had pretty much psyched myself into doing it. I really
didn't need to spend the $300 or so on the trip, but like I said I'm
not getting any younger. I thought I might change my mind between
days off, but I didn't. I made up my mind to do it. I emailed her
a day ahead of time and told her I was coming up and asked if she
was avaialbe. Unfortunately I didn't get an answer before I left
the next morning, but I went anyway. If I were to do it over again,
I would plan farther ahead, reserve a room ahead of time and reserve
the escort's time ahead of time and make sure I left with several
hours to spare. Food for thought if anyone follows in my tracks,
but as you'll see it worked out okay for me this time. As I drove
I realized it was a Friday and probably one of her busiest days. I
had hoped to get there by early afternoon, but I left so late I'd
be lucky to get there by 6pm. I called her from what I thought
was three hours away and made the appointment. She sounded quiet
and shy when answering the phone, and I wasn't quite sure how to
handle the situation; I felt very self conscious sitting at a phone
booth and making an appointment to pay for sex. Of course I was
nervous too, and I got the feeling she was nervous bout meeting
someone new. I identified myself and she recognized my name from
the emails. Anyway I kept the call very short and we estimated
that the appointment would be at 7pm. I decided to get two hours
to be sure I wasn't rushed and in hopes of trying everytyhing out
and having sex several times.
I was running it much closer on time than I thought and didn't have
a cell phone. It takes time to get accross the US/Canada border, but
not too much. I had decided on staying overnight, and she suggested
the casino (Casino Windosr) hotel saying it was comparably priced
to the rest. I found the casino, parked in the garage, walked in
and tried to get a room. It was about 6:55pm and they were fully
booked! I called the escort again and told her the situation and
that I'd call her back in a few minutes when I found a hotel. She
gave another suggestion, and I went to the Concierge and got some
more suggestions, one of which was a 3-block walk. I walked instead
of drove because I figured it would be much faster than getting lost
and parking. I booked the room, went to it and called the escort;
it was now about 7:15pm and we agreed that she'd come by in about
30 minutes. I told her I was going to shower even though I had
already showered just before I left. I wanted to be super-clean. I
used the restroom and the toilet clogged. Then I realized I broght
shaving cream but no razor, a toothbrush but no toothpaste, no comb
or brush and no underwear other than what I was wearing. Basically
by this time I felt rushed and stupid, and everything was falling
apart. I got a razor and toothpaste from the hotel and showered
thoroughly and then called hotel maintenance to unclog the toilet
figuring we would need it at some point over the next two hours.
The escort arrived; I'll make up a name for her because it's
getting old typing "the escort" and it's very impersonal, and
I'm about to describe fucking her. She's legal and registered so
I could use her real name (or at least the name she gave me),
but I'm not going to mainly to be sure my identity is
protected. Her name is now Jane, okay? So, Jane arrives
at 8pm, later than she said, but I was late, too, and the damn
maintenance guy wasn't there yet. I had seen photos of her on the
internet, but for some reason her face was erased in her photos;
some of the escorts did that. I wasn't expecting a model face,
but she was prettier than I expected. Most of the escorts aren't
young and skinny, and the ones that are charged more. Jane
wasn't skinny, but I wouldn't call her fat. She was in her mid
30's. Everything but the face I knew about beforehand. She had a
yellow sun dress (I think that's what it was) on. I greeted her,
asked her in and asked her to have a seat. I had read other reviews
that she hugged guys when greeting, but she didn't with me. I told
her that I was expecting the maintenance guy because the toilet
was clogged; I called the front desk again and they said he'd be
right up.
I apologized for being late and apologized because I was afraid I
sounded curt on the phone. She started some "getting to know you"
small talk, and we talked about my work, her work and some other
things I can't recall right away. The maintence guy showed up during
the small talk and fixed the toilet and left. I told her--in person
this time--about why I hired her and how I felt little confidence
with other women. Well, enough of that crap, let's get on with the
Penthouse Forum part of the story. Suffice to say it took us a few
minutes to get comfortable with each other an she expressed that
she gets nervous meeting new clients because she never knows what
to expect behaviorally. Okay, one more thing I haven't mentioned yet:
She knew I was heavy and had seen pictures of me when I emailed her
because I wanted to be sure that wasn't a problem, and it
wasn't. One more "one more thing": I counted the money out and put
it on the dresser because I read that's what you do. I had it out
before she came but put it away until the maintenance guy left,
then took it out before we got down to business.
I wasn't sure quite how to get started, but she must've sensed
that becase she said "well, I guess we should get started". I
stammered a bit and said "I'm all for that" but couldn't quite
figure out what to say or do next. I told her "I'll let you start
because I don't know how to." She said "lets take our clothes off"
and started taking hers off. I took of mine and helped her with
her zipper. She told me to lie down on the bed and I did. She was
wearing a black lacey bra and panty combination and asked if I
wanted them on or off; I was trying to decide and she took them
off. She had a shaved pussy and had a pierced belly button. Her
tits weren't as shapely or large as most strippers or porn stars,
but I wasn't complaining.
I was somewhat nervous, but not so much that it paralized me. I
had the knowledge that we were going to fuck and my looks and
performance didn't matter and that took a lot of the anxiety
away. She laid in bed next to me with her naked body against
mine. She said "hi" and I said "it's nice to meet you." She laid on
top of me and kissed me quite a bit. She then worked her way down by
chest and belly to my balls, rubbing her hands and nails all over
me and rubbing her tits on my cock while it got hard--that didn't take long! When I was
hard she started licking my balls. Oh my God that felt great! (When
masturbating I've never played with my balls much; this was quite
a new sensation.) She put as much of her tounge as she could on my
balls and licked up and around them. I could feel the texture of her
tounge. She licked from the back of my sack near my anus up. Wow. You
gotta try that...never felt anything like that when
masturbating. She said she could taste the soap and I apologized,
but she laughed and said that was fine and it smelled nice, and I
figured better soap than shit. Make a note to rinse very thoroughly
when bathing before sex. She licked my balls for a while and ran
her nails over my lower belly and on my upper inner thighs near
my anus. That area is quite sensitive and I've never stimulated
it before...I gotta remember to try that on women in the future
as it must feel good to them, too.
She got a flavored condom (she brought them) and put it on me. It
was cherry flavored and I laughed and said that was appropriate. She
laughed too because I don't think she planned it that way. She
put the condom on me and went down on me. That felt really good;
I felt her lips and tongue and even her teeth! I just barely felt
her teeth gently gliding along and they felt very nice...I assume
that was intentional, but maybe all blowjobs are like that. I
kept finding myself closing my eyes and enjoying the pleasure
then reminding myself to open them and look at this woman sucking
my dick! It was nice seeing a woman there, ass up in the air so
pretty and all real not imagined.
I had previously wondered how long I would last before ejaculating
when having sex. I had read that many men only last 1-3 minutes. I
could masturbate for 10-30 minutes, sometimes more, but I had read
one guy somewhere saying that he could masturbate a long time but
comes quickly when fucking. I didn't know what to expect, but she
told me before we started that men she's been with before who've
either been virgins or married and not fucking thier wives for
years can't always come with her, and that they have to masturbate
to finish. Sure enough, the blowjob felt great but I never felt
close to coming. But it still felt great!
After a few minutes of her sucking my dick she sat up and said
"are your ready for some screwing?" Hell yeah. She asked me what
position, and I said lets start with her on her back. I'm fat
and I knew I couldn't lie on top of her, and this was one of my
concerns about sex with women, so I was eager to figure out how
I'd manage to fuck. She laid on her back and spread her legs. I
resisted the idea to play doctor and get a close look at what a
real twat looks like up close, but I did rub my finger around her
pussy lips a bit and between them. She liked that. I was slightly
concerned about getting my dick in her because my belly was starting
to look really big and in the way, but it wasn't a problem and I
penetrated with a little hand guidance from her. (I'm fat enough
where I can't quite see my dick go in.)
Wow guys, pussy feels great! I mean it really feels good! It's
like it's made to please our cocks or something. (Oh yeah.) I've
masturbated with various sex toys including a Cyberskin pussy,
but there's no substitute for the real thing. It felt hot
inside--not just warm--and it felt like there were muscles at the
opening of her vagina
squeezing my cock gently. I was very slow and gentle at first,
trying to figure out how best to put my hips, hands and knees to
support myself and get the deepest penetration. I can tell sex would
be more fun without my big belly in the way, but it's definitely
possible and pleasurable to fuck when you're fat. I'm not sure how
to describe the feeling of my cock deep inside her. Squishy, warm
and soft don't really seem to get the point across. It feels great,
but I'm sure it would've felt better without the condom. (Would
NEVER go condomless with a prostitute, though.) She seemed to enjoy
the fucking and told me several times that felt good. I tried some
shallow thrusts and some deep thrusts, but all fairly slowly. It
felt really good but I still wasn't close to coming. Again I kept
finding myself closing my eyes and savoring the feelings like I do
when I masturbate, except that this time I don't have to pretend
that I'm fucking a woman because I know it's real. I kept reminding
myself to open my eyes and look at her. Her body below me, her
legs out to the side and behind me, her tits bouncing gently as I
thrust. A couple of times I pulled a bit far back and came partway
out and didn't go back in smoothly. I asked her if that hurt and
she said no.
I want to talk a bit about my frame of mind. It wasn't like
"Yippee, yeehah I'm fucking, I'm getting laid!" like I thought
it would be. It was kind of surreal. I frequently felt like I
wasn't excited enough. I was telling myself (in my head) "hey,
you're in bed with a naked woman fucking her just like you always
wanted, shouldn't you be more excited?" And I'd answer myself
"yeah? so? I like it. Big whoop." I mean I was excited, but not
in the way you are at a football game when you're screaming for
the home team. I don't think I'm getting the point across well. I
guess it's more like when you're watching an X-rated film and
get horny and masturbate. It's all exciting eye-candy before and
during masturbation, but after I come I get bored and turn the movie
off. When fucking her I wasn't bored, but I was enjoying the feeling
of her pussy around my cock and the feel of her skin on mine and
her hands and nails running over my body. So my sexual excitement
while fucking was a more mellow thing than the "ride-em cowboy"
porn films sometimes portray. But I'm not complaining or saying
that's a bad thing. It compares more to enjoying great food. You
don't jump up and down and scream "YEAH! Fuckin' great steak!" but
you sit there and savor the flavors and the moment. That's what
sexual excitement was like for me; it was being mellow enough to
feel all the sensations of her pussy and body against me while
being energetic enough to thrust in and out.
She told me ahead of time that there's no trick to it, just do
what feels good and experiment with each other, and that's what
we did as I pumped her and tried a few different adjustments and
she moved her hips and legs here or there. After a while I told
her I wanted to try doggie style. She got on all fours and put her
legs wide. For some reason I had expected my legs to straddle hers,
but she told me to put my legs closer together and said if I wasn't
tall enough that I might have to stand. I was surprised since I'm
a tall guy and she was a short girl. I expected that I'd be too
tall, but nope. I put my legs almost together and she had to help
me put it in again. We did that for a little bit, but I couldn't
penetrate as deeply in that position and I didn't really have a
place to lean because I figured I was too heavy to put my hands
on her backside and lean.
We didn't doggie for very long, and I said I wanted to try something
else but wasn't sure what yet. She told me to lie down on my back,
and I said "oh yeah!" realizing that she was going to mount me and
ride me. She said her legs were short and she wasn't sure if this
was going to work, but it worked pretty well. I don't remember that
part much for some reason; I don't think that lasted very long,
but I can't recall how good the penetration was. (For me the deeper
penetration feels better; I like her pussy grip as close to the
base of my cock as possible, but it all feels good, really.)
I think I remember now. I think that's when I asked her about how
long most guys last and if I was a tough customer. She didn't
really answer directly but we acknowledged that my long-term
hand masturbation made it difficult to come with her. I assured
her I was enjoying everything very much though. She got off me
and started sucking my dick and licking my balls again it felt
great and lasted quite a while, and she was frequently bobbing
her head up and down quickly. It felt great, but I still wasn't
close to coming. Not really a problem for me since I was enjoying
everything and getting my ego pumped up at how long I was lasting,
but I started wondering if she was getting tired of bobbing up
and down on me. I kept thinking about asking her if she needed
a break or wanted to fuck some more but it felt good and I felt
like I didn't want to interrupt her.
She finally sat up and said "I need a drink of water" and I told
her I was wondering if I should give her a break. So we both drank
some water. She sat cross-legged on the bed with a pillow in her
lap, and I laid beside her and we talked some more. We talked a bit
about our fucking and some other things. My cock was staying hard
but finally started deflating a bit after a while. I said "uh-oh,
I'm going down" and she started sucking it again and perked it
right back up. She licked and sucked, but I really wanted to fuck
her some more but was a bit shy about asking and couldn't figure
out how to ask nicely, so I finally said "I'd like to screw you,
but I can't figure out a nice way to ask." She laughed and said
there really isn't a nice way and laid down.
I was able to put my dick in her myself this time, and I once
again savored her pussy. I fucked slowly for a bit, and then
went faster. I went deeper and faster, and she was into it and
I was into it. I went what I thought was all-out, but I'm sure I
could've pumped harder if I wanted to. She reached up an braced
agains the headboard to keep from slipping, and I pumped and pumped
away. I started feeling a tingling in my loins as her pussy muscles
slid and gripped, and the base of my cock felt more excited and I
realized I was probably going to be able to come. I had actually
started worrying about not being able to come with her and briefly
wondered about whether about my virgin status if I fucked her but
didn't come, but that was a brief thought that went away because
we were having too much fun. But it was good to know I could last
long and still come with a woman. So I continued pumping quickly
and firmly as deeply as I could, and her breathing changed and
she moaned a bit. (When masturbating a woman moaning always gets
me hotter, but it really didn't seem to affect me this time, but
maybe that's because my dick was in her already and I was already
fully stimulated.) Her moans and breathing got really erradic,
and I wondered if she orgasmed, and I wondered if I should ask her
and/or slow down and/or stop, but I just kept going because my
loins and the base of my cock were tingling more and more and I
wanted to fill that condom while pumping her. My breathing had
been getting heavier and heavier and I was now grunting and moaning
at times but just enjoying the animal pleasure of it. In the past
when I've used a fake pussy to masturbate the head of my cock gets
really sensitive and I have to stop thrusting as I come, but usally
with the toy I'm not using a condom. I really wanted to fuck this
girl and come while pumping but was afraid I'd have to stop or even
withdraw. But I kept pumping and feeling and hoping as the tension
rose and I could feel the orgasm coming. She wasn't as active now
so I think she came but wasn't sure. The pressure built up and
I pumped and pumped and came inside her (with condom on) and was
able to thrust while coming and it felt terrific. I slowed a bit
because I didn't want the condom to break or leak, and I sat there
a few seconds inside her with the after-jerks of my orgasm slowing
down and enjoying the warmth and sudden silence. I wanted to sit
like that for a while, but I think you need to grab the condom and
pull out in case your dick goes soft inside her and starts leaking
jizz. So I grabbed the condom at the base of my cock and pulled out.
Okay, I did feel a bit triumphant at that moment. I was happy that
I came, and I was thrilled that I went so long before coming. I
think we fucked and sucked for an hour or more before I came, but it
wasn't constant stimulation of course. Still, at that moment I felt
like I could pleasure any woman. I'm sure we said something to each
other but don't remember what. We both got up and got another drink
of water, and I laid on the bed feeling very mellow and relaxed and
not really wanting to move or do anything; it wasn't being tired
from the physical activity or sleepy, but just a very mellow and
relaxed feeling where I just wanted to lie there and space out
and feel good. I was hoping to fuck her again, but at the time
I couldn't imagine being able to get it up again before our time
was up. She came out from the restroom and we talked a bit more,
and it was now 9:30pm. She started getting dressed, and I thought
it was a bit odd since she arrived at 8pm, but I was too happy,
mellow, grateful and incapable of fucking to make an issue of it. I
got dressed, too and helped her with her zipper. As we talked she
got the money and made her way to the door. We hugged two or three
times while talking, thanking and saying goodbye and she left.
I thought it a bit odd that she left after 90 minutes when I paid
her for two hours, especially since many guys had posted that the
Canadian women, and this one in particular, didn't "watch the clock"
when servicing and frequently stayed a little longer. But then I
realized the original appointment was for 7pm and I was the late
one, so another point of view might say that she stayed 30 minutes
extra, and it was a Friday night, and she was probably trying to
make another appointment. So no hard feelings on my part.
After: Virgin No More
Again, where I had always expected I'd want to throw a parade when
I finally got laid, I just kept thinking it was very enjoyable but
no big deal. Being a virgin for 33 years I know it's frustrating
for people to tell you sex is no big deal, but after having had sex
I have to say the same thing. I want to try to translate for you
from non-virgin-speak to virgin-speak while I can still remember the
frustration of being a virgin. It's like trying a new food that you
really like. Let's say you've never had Tiramisu, an Italian dessert
made of espresso-soaked lady fingers topped with custard and cocoa,
and you finally try it after people telling you how wonderful it
is. Perhaps they've built up your expectations so high that you're
expecting a wonderful experience, and the first time you go to
a restaurant they are out of Tiramisu, so your tension is even
higher. But you finally get to a restaurant and they have it and
you try it and love it. It's everything you thought it could be,
it makes you (well, your taste buds) feel great, and you enjoy the
whole thing and plan to eat more later at every opportunity. But
even though it was thoroughly enjoyable it's no big deal. You ate
it, your friends ate it, it's been around for hundreds or thousands
of years, so it's not like you walked on the moon or discovered
cold fusion, you know? No reason to throw a party just because you
ate a tasty new dessert. So yes, sex is a big deal when you haven't
had it because of the anxiety, the unfamiliarity and the feeling
you're not in the club. And it feels wonderful and is wonderful
and I want to do it more and more, but I don't feel the need to
break open a bottle of champagne or set off fireworks or anything,
which are some of the things I kind of imagined--when I was a virgin
(a whole 26 hours ago)--I'd want to do after finally having sex.
Just to finish the story: I hopped in the shower almost immediately
after she left and washed my groin thoroughly several times with
antibacterial soap, just to be sure. I then dried my groin area
with a hair dryer so it wouldn't be moist and helpful to anything
that I hope she didn't have and I didn't get. Then I got dressed
and went to the casino and played for a bit, but I didn't play
much or stay long. I went back to the hotel, watched some TV and
went to sleep. The next morning I checked out and drove home. By
the way, getting into the U.S. is harder than getting out. Just be
prepared for the third degree from U.S. Customs and don't talk back
to them! They are the most athoritarian law enforcement group in
the U.S., so don't fuck with them. I didn't fuck with them because
I already knew this, but I want you to know in case you go out of
the country.
After having the enjoyable experience of thrusting into the pussy
of a woman lying under me, my feelings towards women in general--at
least in the past 24 hours--has changed. I look at women and where
before I wanted to fuck them and didn't quite know what it would
be like I can now better imagine them lying under me with my cock
in them, and I want them. I'm not sure how to describe how its
different except that there's less anxiety and less imagination. I
know what pussy feels like and I want more, and I know they have
it, and I feel pretty confident I can make them happy in bed.
Somehow when I was younger I got what I call a Disney outlook on
romance. I remember when I was younger thinking that a platonic
attraction/love was somehow more pure than a carnal attraction,
and I think that shaped how I approached (or didn't approach)
women. Somehow I got it in my head that it was rude or bad to desire
to fuck a woman. To step briefly into psychoanalysis mode I might
guess that's because my parents divorced when I was just beginning
to like girls and my mom was bitter with dad for years (well, she
still is), but I won't continue with they psychoanalysis because
in my case I think it's avoiding the problem rather than doing
something about it. When I started dating at 27 the disney ideals
started crumbling quickly. You might think that's a good thing,
but in many ways it wasn't because now I felt lost and clueless
about women. The Disney outlook continued crumbling, and I think
some of the last of it crumbled when I decided to fuck a whore
rather than stay a virgin.
When deciding to pay for sex one of my hopes was that it would whet
my carnal desire to fuck women and make me more aggressive with
women in addition to being confident. It's only been 24 hours,
so it's too early to say for sure, but I definitely hunger for
pussy like I hunger for food. It's a different hunger than my
virgin horniness, too. When a virgin when I got horny my dick got
excited and sensitive, but as soon as I came inside her my horny
hunger has involved my loins, or whatever that small part of our
upper-inner thighs are. My whole crotch is hungry like my stomach
can be hungry, where before it was just a happy dick. (The
previous section was striked out 4 days later when I realized what
I was feeling was the beginnings of sore muscles; the soreness
is almost gone now, and horniness feels about the same as before
except I really want pussy instead of masturbation.) And I haven't
masturbated yet...I want pussy. I'll probably masturbate tonight,
but I want to get out soon and see if this hunger for pussy and
my carnal knowledge will help me be more aggressive with women.
Jane said that I would learn to come more easily with women as I had
more women. But from all I've heard stamina is a good thing. Then
again I can't quite help wonder if there was a nervousness or lack
of intimacy that contributed to making hard for me to come. If
my loins hunger and I get a woman into bed--a woman who wants to
fuck me for pleasure and not for mone--if I will be more excited
and come faster. We'll have to see, and I hope to find out soon!
Now, there probably still are some problems. I know what it's like
to fuck a woman, and I have confidence that I can fuck and not
come in 20 seconds, and I have confidence that I can get a hard-on
quickly (Jane commented that I got it up quickly when it was time
to get busy.) However, aside from calling an escort and booking an
appointment I still haven't seduced a woman, and I haven't "closed
the sale" to get her into bed. I'll try not to worry about that,
though, and let instinct be my guide. (I'm reareading parts of this
the next day; I think "closing the sale" is not a valid concept after all. As
I discuss more later on I don't think there are "steps" or "events"
to worry about. I think there's no magic moment between not having
sex and having sex that is something to make a big deal about,
but as virgins it is a big deal to us because it's the perceived
barrier between being a virgin and not being a virgin. But it's
not a real barrier; it's in your head. As I say later it's like
when a movie uses music, sound effects and camera angles to build
up tension and then release it, but the only real life build up
and release with sex is the orgasm, and that's actually a mellow
excitement more than a high-tension movie excitement. So
there's no "close the sale" moment but instead it's just a part
of getting to know a woman, and sometimes you're compatible enough
and things keep building up and you orgasm. Actually you can have
lots of fun without orgasming, too.)
(This paragraph was written the day after most of this and
is a continuation of the parenthetical comments in the last
paragraph.) Even with the prostitute there was no magic distinction
between having sex and not having sex. If you had to draw a line
between sex and not sex you might think to draw it when we got
undressed together or when she started pleasuring me. But when was
that? When I saw her in person? When we hugged in bed? When she
kissed my lips? When she rubbed her tits on me? When she put the
condom on? When I put the money on the table? I know as a virgin
you might put the "sex/not sex" line around the time between when
we took our clothes off and the time she started sucking my dick; at
least that's where I would've put the line when I was a virgin. But
it was a long process in reality. There was no actual point in
time dividing the time when I wasn't expecting sex to when I knew
sex was iminent. From the reading about prostitution, to selecting
this escort in Canada, to emailing her, to calling her, to packing
for the trip and getting the necessary border-crossing documents,
the drive, calling her, crossing the border, getting a room,
calling her again, meeting, talking, paying, undressing, cuddling,
sucking, fucking, resting, sucking and fucking some more and then
orgasming, there was no point I can pin down where it went from
"not going to have sex" to "gonna have sex", and no point really
between "not having sex" and "having sex", either. It's a process,
not a series of events that you can check off on a piece of paper
to see how close you are to having sex. At any point I could've
backed out. Even after we undressed and she kissed me and rubbed her
tits on me: if I stopped then, then did we have sex? I don't think
so. What if I had stopped after the blow job? What if I stopped
after X seconds or minutes of fucking? As a virgin it looks like
there's a Grand Canyon of difference between not having sex and
having sex, and you can't figure out how to get across. But once
you've had sex and look back you see it was just a continuous
walking trail with no milestones to speak of. Hahaha, I just
remembered the scene from "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade"
where Indiana is supposed to take a Leap of Faith over a wide
(and very deep) chasm that he has to cross to save his father's
life. His eyes and head tell him it's impossible, but his father
lies dying and the Holy Grail across the chasm is the only thing
that can save him. So he closes his eyes, puts his foot out in
front and falls forward. What was a tense moment ends when his
foot immediately hits a hard surface: a bridge that wasn't visible
becuse of an optical illusion. He then simply walks across and then
throws sand back across the bridge to kill the optical illusion
so others may cross. This "I Got Laid" section is my attempt to
throw sand back across the chasm for my fellow adult virgins to
see that the path is a series of unremarkable steps and no great leap.
I haven't had second thoughts about paying for sex yet. Again,
it's only been a day, but I always thought I might feel shame. Now
I don't want to go announcing to my friends and family that I
paid for sex, but I don't really feel bad, shamed or guilty about
it so far. I don't currently plan to go back again because it's
expensive and I expect I should be able to find my own pussy,
but if money and fear of disease weren't a factor I'd probably go
back periodically. (But if money weren't a factor then I'm sure
I'd have my selection of free pussy...you know women throw it at
the rich men.)
I still talk to that lady friend that I mentioned that I've known
for years but doesn't want to be my first. When driving back home
I was wondering if I wanted to tell her about this. I actually
debated it a bit, but I've firmly decided I'll tell her about
it and tell her any details she wants. And I'll fuck her if she
wants it, but we live several hundred miles apart now so I'm not
waiting. And even if we do fuck I'm not going to be committed to
her in any way. I'm not saying I'm trying to become a man-slut,
but I'm not going to play Disney romances anymore, and I'm not
ready for any commitments right now. I'd love a "fuck buddy"
to hang around with and have sex. I hope to find one locally soon.
Update the next day: I called her and chatted a while and then
told her I did it. She asked some questions and we talked about
it a long time. She didn't really give any indication if she wants
sex, but she's several hundred miles away anyway, so I'll see what
happens the next time we're in the same city or the next time she
calls me up depressed and half drunk on wine.
Some more thoughts about what it feels like to have sex: I wish I
could better describe what it's like for the adult virgins whose
ranks I've just left. There really wasn't anything "special" or
"neato" or "super" about it. No corny porn music needed to be
played to set a mood. No out-of-body experiences. Just two people
together pleasuring each other. And it's not like a backrub where
you think real hard to make it just right. It's primal, instinctive
even. I was thinking about her pleasure, too, and I carressed her
here and there while fucking her. I mean yes, it's this really
wonderful thing, but at the same time it's no big thing. We've
all seen pussy in photos and on TV, and it's both the same and
different in person. It looks the same, but it's hard to explain
why it's different to actually be there sliding your dick in than
imagining it. I think when we're a virgin it's a magical,
mystical thing because we haven't done it, and our imaginations
fills that unknown moment with that element that makes good dreams
so undefinably mysteriously good, but when you're there and the
woman is naked and you're about to fuck her it's all real. It's
great, but it's not magic, it's not undefinable. She's there,
you're there, you want to fuck each other and you're about to. No
magic, just good feelings like eating good food or feeling the wind
in your hair or other earthly pleasures that are good to feel and
spiritually fulfilling but still just no big deal. No scary moment,
no rush of angels singing for your pleasure, but your dick feeling
the hot welcoming tunnel of pussy as piece of cake sliding onto
your toungue (but not like that jaw-lock feeling when you put
something sweet in your mouth and your glands contract, just the
pleasure of sweet cake in your mouth). That's the pleasure side,
but the procedural side is more like getting into a sports car
you want to drive. You know you're going to enjoy driving it, but
there's no special moment as you open the door, sit in the seat
and start the engine. I mean the vroom of the engine as you turn
the key is nice, but there's no magic moment between not driving
the car and driving the car to make a big deal about. Same with sex
for me; when masturbating and imagining sex I imagine penetration
as some magic moment, but it wasn't when I really did it. It was
an intermediate step in a procedure of fucking pleasure. Update
the next day: I'm rereading this and seem to contradict myself
about the moment of penetration. But it's still no big thing; yes
it felt good, but my dick and loins felt good before that because
we were in the mood and having fun, and it felt good during and
after penetration. So again, penetration is no milestone but just
a step in the dance, and it's all good. The movies (non-X-rated)
make penetration seem like a big deal, but it ain't. I mean I
think a small part of my brain was thinking "I'm finally actually
fucking", but that went away really quickly because I was just
enjoying the experience, not the moment or any definable event.
I think the movies are what made me imagine and expect some
magic moment, come to think of it. Because they always build
up the tension, cue the tense music and arrange releases of
emotion. But real life isn't like that. We enjoy pleasures, but
there's not really a climactic build-up and realease except for
the actual orgasmic climax, and the meeting, getting undressed,
sucking, penetrating, thrusting and petting are all build-ups to
the literal and literary climax; they aren't releases of tension
within themselves.
So what I want to tell you and tell myself is this: Don't worry! My
lack of confidence and fear I think were always centered around
perceived build-ups and releases: asking a girl out, making the
first kiss or caress, progressing contact, proposing sex and so
forth. Those steps aren't climaxes (literary sense), but those are
the moments all my anxiety was built around. There's nothing at
stake when we're turned down for a date or for sex. Those things
aren't mini-climaxes, they're all part of the buildup. Think of
them as plot twists instead of climaxes. That's what I'm going to
try to do.
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