I'll now transfer you to the customer retention department By lorcha in lorcha's Diary Mon Feb 03, 2003 at 12:13:38 PM EST Tags: (all tags)
	I got that dreaded statement today when I called to cancel my Sprint PCS service because of its poor quality. In case you've never tried to cancel something, I'll fill you in on the details. They transfer you to a customer retention 'specialist' who doesn't know how to do anything but read from a script that is supposed to get you to not cancel. The idea is that customer acquisition costs are higher than retention costs; but, at least for me, when I call to cancel something, my mind's already made up. Read on for excerpts from this relatively humorous conversation.

Customer Service Representative (CSR): Why would you like to cancel your Sprint PCS service? Me: I am unsatisfied with the quality of the service. CSR: Could you give me an example of what you mean? Me: Well, I can't complete a call from my own home, and if I ever do complete one, it gets dropped within 5 minutes. In addition, last month there was an entire day where no one was able to dial into my phone. Callers are frequently sent to voicemail without the handset ringing, despite it always being turned on. The list goes on and on.  Shall I continue? CSR: Well, I can assure you that Sprint has the best coverage available in your home calling area, Falls Church, Vermont. Me: That's Falls Church, Virginia! You don't even know what state I live in! And the last time I was in Vermont, there was no coverage. At all. In the entire state of Vermont. CSR: Oh, I'm sorry. Of course I meant Virginia.  Well, I can assure you that Sprint has the best coverage in Virginia, too. A lot of times dropped calls can be fixed by updating the software on your phone. Me: Thank you kindly for the tip, but I was just at the Sprint PCS store in Vienna, VA a week ago to update my software, and that did not help. So I went to the Verizon Wireless store, also in Vienna, VA and got a new phone. This phone works perfectly in my home. Even in the basement. If you'd like, you're welcome to come over to my house and I will demonstrate a completed call from my basement with Verizon and that you can't complete a Sprint call at all, even if you get up on the roof. CSR: I see you are a long-time Sprint customer.  If you would sign a 1 year commitment to stay with Sprint, I could give you 1000 anytime minutes for $50 a month. Me: That is a lot of airtime, but I could not possibly enter into any type of commitment until you demonstrate that I can successfully complete a call from my home in Virginia. CSR: Are you calling from home right now? Me: Yes, I am. CSR: This call sounds clear to me. Me: Thank you for deviating from your script and talking to me like an actual human being.  Unfortunately, what Sprint lacks in quality it makes up for in irony.  I'm calling from my Verizon phone right now. CSR: Well, our engineers are constantly looking for gaps in our coverage area and I can assure you that if there is an area in Falls Church, Virginia without coverage they will fix it very soon. Me: What does 'soon' mean?  I've lived in this house for over a year. CSR: Well, I see you make a lot of calls from your home calling area. Me: Back to the script again, are we?  That may be a safe bet for most people, but I'm always on the road and hardly ever make calls from VA. CSR: [scrolling through something] What can I do to retain you as a Sprint PCS customer? Me: Does that mean we're at the end of the script? CSR: Yes. Me: I'll sign up for that year-long agreement with you, but only if you enter into a commitment with me that for every dropped call you'll pay me $10 and for each time I wish to complete a call but can't, you'll pay me $100. CSR: Would you like to maintain your Sprint phone for emergencies only?  It's only $10 per month. Me: You are not listening to a word I'm saying, are you?  I just told you I have a new phone from Verizon that actually works.  What do you propose I do with my Sprint phone in an emergency, anyway, if it doesn't even work in my home? CSR: I'll cancel your account for you, effective at the end of the current biling month. Me: Thank you.

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Customer Retention Departments They work for me. I like the freebies! 0% They don't work for me. My mind's already made up. 80% They would work for me if they could get Inoshiro to come clean my house in a thong 20% Votes: 5 Results | Other Polls

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