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What Does Addiction Feel Like?

By Signal 11 in Culture
Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 04:28:55 PM EST
Tags: Culture (all tags) 		Culture

Not satisfied with the answers given by the "Just Say No" programs around the United States and probably elsewhere, I have for a long time been doing my own research on the matter - why people start, why and how they stop, how drugs are distributed, what drugs are out there, and the most important question: What are the risks? Today I present the results of my interviewing of several users on answering the question: What does addiction feel like?

I have a friend who has used lots of drugs - crack, heroin, a variety of designer drugs, etc. about what exactly addiction was. Being that he used to be a real druggie, I thought he would be qualified to answer. The problem is it's not a straightforward question: it's partly psychological and partly physical. He described the symptoms of physical addiction to morphine: an aching inside your bones and extreme fatigue. It varies from drug to drug, of course. I reasoned that the physical symptoms would go away relatively quickly - and I was right. The problem with addiction is the more powerful and harder to correct psychological addiction. He informed me that of all the drugs he had taken, he'd found it the hardest to quit smoking cigarettes, by far. Even crack cocaine? Yes. Morphine was the hardest for him for physical effects - it can kill people with its withdrawl symptoms. But the success rate is high, if they are treated.

Why is it so hard to break the habit? He said that other drugs, like ecstacy, he could refuse if he wanted to. If he had work the next day he could pass on it without much regret. The same goes for many drugs, especially the "soft" drugs. Some drugs, however, don't work that way. Sometimes, you get addicted to a drug that really doesn't make you feel all that great. He said crack cocaine was that way - he didn't like the effect much, but he still had a powerful urge the next day to do it again. Imagine wanting something you hate, and that's about what you've got there. Cigarettes are one of those that you can't say "no" to. I didn't inquire too deeply into why right away, but what he said later made sense. He quit for a month straight once. He said the physical symptoms go away after three days, maybe a week. So why did he start again?

Is it all in your head? No. He said when he wasn't smoking he could go for a long time without wanting one - until he saw someone light up, or did an activity that he did while smoking (like playing on his computer). Then he would feign for about fifteen minutes or more - a desire that you couldn't put out of your mind. Obsession. Now, I think everyone has had something rattle around in their head they can't get out - a song, an idea, what that jerk said last night, etc. What makes this any different? Well, it's about "ten times worse".

That's not the only thing though. He described a physical sensation - like hunger. He described it as "a hole in your chest". When he quit smoking, he ate about three times more than he did while he was smoking. Smoking friends of mine report that a cigarette after eating is particularily satisfying. People who have fallen in love also report this "hole in your chest" when the object of their love is away. That actually surprised me, because for a long time, I didn't know what that sensation was - I assumed it was simply that I was hungry. Perhaps this explains why people get fat after they marry? I suppose addiction blindsides a lot of people this way, some much worse than others.

So addiction seems to me to have three separate components - withdrawl symptoms, the mental effects of repetitive thoughts (obsession), and an actual feeling of loss or hunger. Every drug (and every addiction, by extension) feels a little "different" in terms of the effects, but they all seem similar enough that someone who has been addicted to one thing can more easily identify when they're addicted to something the second time. And addiction needn't be due to drug use - although it's commonly-cited as a `drug only' problem - people forget about gambling, or love, or skydiving - things that people think are "natural" and hence less dangerous.

I'd like to hear your experiences with addiction, and with people who were addicted. I don't know that there's a substitute for being able to hear people, in their own words, describe things like this.

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What Does Addiction Feel Like? | 121 comments (119 topical, 2 editorial, 0 hidden)
Sounds about right (3.42 / 7) (#1)
by wiredog on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 01:58:49 PM EST

The physical addictions are easy (well, relatively) to beat but the psychological addiction is not so easy. Also, people who get addicted to alcohol and marijuana seem to be wired differently than those who don't.

Programs like AA don't treat the physical addiction. They treat the thinking that leads to the addiction.

Peoples Front To Reunite Gondwanaland: "Stop the Laurasian Separatist Movement!"

Go read a story by someone who's been there (4.61 / 13) (#2)
by jep on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:05:20 PM EST

This is a very personal account of what addiction feels like and what it does to you.

I remember reading it for the first time a few months ago. I've read it a few times since then.

By the way, the guy lost his job due to that particular post on addiction. But that's another story.
"Wow this is my first diary entry! This diary thing should be cool! I'll update every once in a while!" (See comment #4).
Cigarettes (3.14 / 7) (#3)
by eyespots on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:12:05 PM EST

I can't comment on the other drugs, but I can say that the description your friend gave of trying to quit smoking is dead-on right.

I think the obsession part has always been the thing that has kept me smoking the longest. You not only get used to the physical sensation of the nicotine, but all the repetitive actions that go along with it .

As Mark Twain said, "Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it hundreds of times."

Addictions in general (3.80 / 10) (#4)
by jd on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:15:52 PM EST

You can split addictions up the same way you can split crimes up: motive, means, and opportunity.

Motive: This is typically (but not always) some kind of attempt at substitution. The substance (or activity) is a replacement for something that the person craves but cannot (or will not) obtain.

The basis of much theraputic treatment for addiction rests on this. Sure, you can treat the physical stuff, but if the person still has the motive, they'll simply return to their addiction, or find a new addiction to replace the old one with. To treat a person completely, you need to completely treat that person.

Means: This is the substance or activity the addict uses. There's not much more you can add to that.

Opportunity: Even with the motive and means, the package is not complete. You need a flash-point - a point in which the person decides to act on their motive, and make use of the means. There are millions of addicts in the world, and millions of non-addicts who have had identical environments. The difference seems to be whether that flash-point ever happened.

It's hard to define what a flash-point might be, but there are good indications that it involves the motive in a context so extreme that the person "breaks". There is extremely limited research on the subject, but that what I've seen has shown that more people become addicts around exam time, wartime, when a person close to them is terminally ill, etc, than when there are no unusual stress factors.

One of the most amazing things I've seen over the years is the increasing acceptance of addiction and the increasing reluctance to do anything about it. It's not quite the same as sweeping things under the rug. It's more a case of defining dirt as the new standard.

Just light up! (2.00 / 9) (#5)
by freddie on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:17:40 PM EST

Just smoke a few cigarettes, and you'll know what addiction feels like!


Imagination is more important than knowledge. -- Albert Einstein
Nicotine and Prednisone (4.12 / 8) (#6)
by maynard on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:19:32 PM EST

OK, so I can't admit to ever having been addicted to an illegal drug like Cocaine, Narcotics, or amphetamines. But I was addicted to nicotine for nearly ten years, and most recently I became addicted to Prednisone -- prescribed by my physician because of a disc rupture a month ago.

I'll start with Nicotine: this drug is insidious. I've known heroin addicts who claim that quitting cigarettes is worse than smack. And I can say with certainty that it took me several years and numerous attempts before I finally quit smoking. This March it will be five years without a cigarette, yet I still crave smoking while drinking with friends in bars. I still dream about smoking. When I smell second hand smoke I still want to smoke a fucking cigarette! It's insidious.

Prednisone: This is a corticosteroid which is commonly used as an anti-inflament after injury as well as a common treatment for COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease) and asthma. Fortunately, I only took this stuff for a ten day course, carefully tapering down per my doctor's instructions. But my father took Prednisone for years, and I watched it's side effects change his body via localized weight gain (pretty nasty), as well as how it changed his personality when he tapered down. Taking it myself gave me new insight as to how powerfully removing a drug can affect personality. After stopping I found myself sleeping fourteen hours a night, depressed, and always always groggy. I've been off of it for about two weeks and only now am I starting to feel normal. This is nasty stuff. My recommendation: don't take it unless you absolutely must.

Cheers, --Maynard

Read The Proxies, a short crime thriller.

Kuro5hin's Resident Drunk (and Smoker) Speaks Up (4.33 / 12) (#9)
by Captain_Tenille on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:42:57 PM EST

Siggy, you really have no idea what it's like, do you? I think if every one who has a "problem" on k5 told you about it, you wouldn't really be able to understand.

Having said that, and having voted against this, I shall now make my attempt.

Consider it something you do every day, no matter what. You do it when your liver swells, you do it when it makes your parents cry. You sneak around and do it when you've told your significant other that you wouldn't. Of course, every one of your friends is right there with you, and all of your lives revolve around it. Sometimes, you try to work on something else, be it a job or project for yourself, but you just get loaded instead and never quite get around to it. Even after you've gotten in trouble, ruined relationships, gone to work drunk in the morning more times than you can count, and figured out just how much money goes there, you still do it.

Do I have a problem? Probably. Have I stopped drinking? Obviously not. Maybe I should, but even with all the bad things it's done in my life, I still do it. Maybe I'm just telling myself this, but I like it. I like smoking. I like drinking. I like the feeling of being drunk. Maybe it's because I was raised Mormom, maybe because I'm half Appalachian. Who knows?

At this very moment, my girlfriend and I, who I love very much, may break up very soon anyway. Alcohol has a lot to do with it. Will I quit drinking over this, though? I doubt it. Alcohol is too much of my life now. It helps me feel normal. It's who I am now, and I can't concieve of myself with out it. So be it, I guess.

Welcome to my world, Signal 11.
----
/* You are not expected to understand this. */

Man Vs. Nature: The Road to Victory!

Hi, my name is Lion, and... I... Post to KuRO5HIN! (3.53 / 15) (#10)
by snowlion on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 02:44:13 PM EST

I know all about addiction; I post to K5... sometimes, well... Uh, say, 3-5 times a day...

And I keep CHECKING it and CHECKING it- Good Lord, SOMEBODY install reply EMAIL notification!!!

AAUGHGHGH!

pUt mE In REHAB!

K5 is a Disease.


--
Map Your Thoughts
Submission (1.72 / 11) (#15)
by rajivvarma on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 03:09:17 PM EST

Excellent submission, Signal 11!
Rajiv Varma
Mirror of DeCSS.

Hey Siggy... (2.16 / 6) (#16)
by Zeram on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 03:16:48 PM EST

go watch Leaving Las Vegas...

blah
<----^---->
Like Anime? In the Philly metro area? Welcome to the machine...
Thanks (3.42 / 7) (#18)
by meman2000 on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 03:46:41 PM EST

I'm rather on the young side, have so far (until college) lived a semi-sheltered life, and have always been apart from these influences (I've had very limited exposure to cigarettes, my parents rarely drink aside from the casual beer, etc). However, as I begin to explore the world more, as more is exposed, its often extraordinarily difficult to come upon something new without trying it. Strong background teachings and episodes I've seen friends recently go through are really, aside from the D.A.R.E. program, all the knowledge I have of this sort. Even reading books and articles on the subject, it never quite hits home until people you can interact with start talking about their experiences. It's one thing to read information from a magazine, it's another to email a fellow k5-er about their experiences, and realize just how close to home the stuff really is.

A post like this also helps you to sit back and realize what -also- constitutes addiction: have I spent too much time working/studying and neglecting my peers, or am I obsessed with this new computer game? Not to belittle pure chemical drugs at all-- I don't need to tell you about that :)-- but sometimes addictions can take place in forms we'd never suspect. If you haven't seen it yet, Requiem for a Dream is an incredible movie about addiction, through drugs and other things, and really helps bring to mind a lot of what's being discussed.

Try not eating sugar for a similar effect. (3.81 / 11) (#20)
by SnowBlind on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 04:06:31 PM EST

Try not eating ANYTHING made with refined sugar. That means if you are not sure it has it, you can't eat it. Depending on how addicted you are, day 2 sucks. days 3 to 5 are hell, after that you either make it out, or you are back on the Snicker bars. Try it over a three day weekend if you don't want to be seen as a raving lunitic.

There is but One Kernel, and root is His Prophet.
My experiences (4.41 / 12) (#21)
by Wing Envy on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 04:46:06 PM EST

I had my first beer when I was five (I drank my father's beer he had left unattended and downed it entirely by the time he had returned) and drank periodically throughout my childhood- just at family functions like holidays when I asked for a drink and was given beer or winecoolers and usually had 3-6 each time. (My family, including my mother, were alcoholics.) I began drinking on a regular basis at 16, before school, after school, on weekends, and eventually in school. (I was an honor student, straight A's, involved in many clubs and activities so no one even checked my to-go cup filled with whatever concoction me and my friends had made that day. I even turned myself in once to a teacher because one of my friends had been busted, but she told me that she appreciated and respected my honesty, so she just dumped it and let me go.) This continued until I was 19, when I quit completely, no side effects whatsoever, other than a lack of a social life.

I began smoking at 16 and quit at 18, but I started again 3 years later. I lived 3 years of side effects that entire time. I began smoking not to fill a "void" but because at the time of development, I felt I would feel more comfortable around my friends who did. I think I must have grown into that behavior, because it isn't so much withdrawal as it is a sort of relation to "phantom pains" an amputee experiences years after their limb is gone. I felt crippled, like something was missing - my crutch.

I smoked pot at 17 and did so quite frequently- before school, after school, and on weekends. I quit at 19 with no side effects. I smoked again at 23, but only as a social thing, and have smoked some since then.

I tried crank, coke, crystal, and acid at 18, only as a social thing, and never really had any desire to do it again unless the situation presented itself. I think I only did crank about 10 times, coke maybe 5, crystal about 5 and acid 3. I had a horrible trip the last time which was why I quit drinking, smoking, and doing drugs entirely at 19 and lost all of my "friends" in the process. I would never do any again.

I tried "X" at 25, did it about 10 times and would never do it again. I never had withdrawal symptoms.

I've taken mini-thins since I was 16 and haven't really stopped. I cut back, but have yet to quit. I do have asthma and smoke, so in that respect I suppose it helps, but I have definately abused it on many occasions.

My conclusion? Addiction is about feeling "normal", whether prior to the drugs effects or after. This is why many people think that alcohol helps a hangover- because it makes them comfortable with their state of mind.

Drug use is about "feeling", whether prior to the drugs effects or after. This is why many people have a drink to "go to sleep".

And drugs are an influence, not just in "feeling, not just in "feeling normal", but in actually altering the reality that exists and the one that you see at the time. Unfortunately, the conflict of these two realities have effects that no one, even one given a history of drug use, could possibly predict the outcome for another. That is the test of intelligence, strength, and sanity. How well someone can deal with whatever reality truly is and has become.


You don't get to steal all the deficiency. I want some to.
-mrgoat

Infinite Jest (3.40 / 5) (#22)
by CHIMPO on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 04:57:42 PM EST

Read "Infinite Jest" by David Foster Wallace for some insight into the nature of addiction.

It's also a damn fine read, so if you are reading this, read that, 'cuz it's the best damn book I ever read.

CHIMPO

I've "tried" almost everything... (3.42 / 7) (#23)
by MisterQueue on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 05:12:37 PM EST

Except meth (how can you do something made from Lye and tar?), Crack (self explanatory) and Heroin (too risky for moi.) But most everything else I've done at least twice, and out of everything (Cocaine, Vicodin, even the Oxicontin that's all the talk right now, when I took it I knew of them as low grade morphine pills but whatever) the only thing that "hooked" me was cigarettes. I had the worst time quitting, the most awful sensations. Regardless of what anyone says, there are physical addictions to them, the first two days you feel strange, light-headed, disconnected and surly...after that it's pretty much all psychological.

I was smoking about a pack a day (and I'm young) and have not smoked in almost two years, and I STILL feel it as strongly as I ever did. It never goes away. Do I regret it? Not really, I think it was definitely a learning experience, hell, I still learn from it. But I know that while some of the others I can experiment with recreationally so to speak, I can't even have one more cigarette, because, for me, one leads to two and two leads to a lot more.

I guess you have to know your own weakness to be able to do what you want and still be successful in life. *shrug* Or just enjoy every existential moment is the other option.

-Q

-------
"To err is human, hence everything said, thought, written, done, and/or enacted by said species must be taken with the largest grain of salt one

Do you drink coffee? (3.62 / 8) (#27)
by budcub on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 05:42:09 PM EST

Coffee is the only addiction I've every really experienced. I'm not an 7/365 drinker who must have a cup first thing in the morning, but I've gone through periods of time where I drink it every day and really crave it when I don't have it.

How bad do I crave it? Well, when I try to cut back for whatever reasons, I keep finding ridiculous excuses to have some. Just like William S. Burroughs describes in his book, "Junky". Only his addiction was heroin. I'd be driving back from the metro station in the morning and say to myself, "That sun rise is exceptional, I must celebrate this fact by having some coffee. Yes I must." Then I'm celebrating that fact that its Friday, then I'm celebrating Wednesday hump day, then I'm celebrating the weekend days, then I'm seeing a cool poster for Starbucks (must have more) and from there its, "I must have some coffee because it makes me feel good, and I need some cheering up." I have noticed that when I'm on an exercise program, I don't crave it at all.

Do you really want to know? (4.47 / 17) (#30)
by jabber on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 06:14:55 PM EST

Log off.

That's right Sig. Unplug. No K5, no /., no email, no games, no IRC, no computer at all... Unplug all the cables, roll them up and bind whem with twist-ties. Put the monitor and case in the most inconvenient place in the house. Swear off the computer completely. And see how it feels. And see how long you, you personally, can last without that tweak, without that hit, without that addictive sense of belonging.

[TINK5C] |"Is K5 my kapusta intellectual teddy bear?"| "Yes"

Close, but far far away. (4.35 / 14) (#31)
by Hechz on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 06:18:51 PM EST

The addiction post written on the 16th of September 2001 shows some one that was ain a wading pool of addiction. Versus an all encompassing sea.
I mean no disrespect to the author.
Here is my story, first person present tense even though it was 5 years ago.
IT will be followed by interpretations of addiction

I'm 17, I am a nerd, and I am an honors graduate of my high school. I go to raves for fun, I NEVER do drugs.

<snip> I'm 18, I am a college CIS/Engineering Major, and NT Admin, on my own, and I go to raves. I NEVER do drugs. ...
It is a beutiful sunny day at work, We have a client in for meetings, his modem is broken and he asks me to fix it for him. I am working on it and need to go to the analog line across the room, I do. On hte way back I trip on the stupid phone line and fall; dropping the laptop!!!

$3500, to fix it <FUCK!!!> I have a grand. I need $2500 now. Todd and Jenn, deal a bit. They get me acid to sell, 5 sheets (100 hits per) for $500, now I can sell them individually for $5 a piece! boom $2500.
<snip>
a week later it's almost all gone and I am set. One of my 'customers' says my stuff is no good. Well I can't sell bunk acid, so I decide to try it out. Todd and Jen and I are chillin' they have some to 'cause they've done it before. Within the next 18 hours I end up taking 5.5 hits. (A normal hit lasts 12 hours). I was just fuq'd up and did it cause it was there.

Later the second day, we go to a rave.

The lights are far too bright and the crowds too much. I tell Jen I've got to get outta there. She says we can't 'cause they need to get rid of the 'beans' they have; slang for ecstasy. I say I have to go, so she hands me two e, and say "This'll help!"

DAMN!!!

Did I have a blast!!!

I decide to do a little resarch. Merck 1913.... MDA... MDMA '60s... Seratonin.... Ganglionic Fibres... 2 mg per dose... HyperREAL GodSend!!!

<snip>

Three months later, I am doing 'E' every Fri, and Sat.
Then Thu.,Fri.,Sat.
4 days a week.
There's mescaline in the 'e' I'll do that too. There's coke in the 'e' I can handle it. There's heroin, oh shit <snip> I am a heroin addict. I have no job, I've dropped out of school. I wake up one day and I am sick, real sick. I go to the hospital, I have hepatitis. I almost Die. I get clean.

This is a very simplistic representation of 2 years of my life.

I didn't plan any of this, addiction sneaks up on you. It slowly becomes a white noise that drowns everything else out. You don't mean for it to happen, and your barely notice it, that is why it is so hard to get out of it. It is a gradually all encompassing process. And damn does it feel good, until you hit that bottom and you realize you've burnt through everything, friends, family, jobs, yourself, and your mind. All ashes.

I know addiction (4.08 / 12) (#32)
by GreenCrackBaby on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 06:27:30 PM EST

When I was 17, I discovered I was addicted to something completely bizarre -- scratch lottery tickets. I can't recall why I bought my first ticket, nor can I recall the progression of events that lead me to my addiction. All I know is that 6 months later I woke up and realized I had just spent $300 on lottery tickets the day before, and in looking over my past records found that $500 per week seemed to be the average. I stole money from my parents ("I'll give it back"), stole money from friends ("I'm just borrowing"), and stole money from work ("Hell, I'm under-paid anyway"). The day I realized I was addicted I stopped. Thankfully, this was lottery tickets, and not something that left behind a chemical dependancy.

The strangest thing though was reviewing my behavior while I had been addicted. I stole money from friends and family! (I confessed and paid everyone back) I was spending 1 hour per day in a corner store desperately scratching tickets. And somehow my brain made it all feel normal.

Terrifying experience!

take drugs or skip all together? (3.00 / 7) (#33)
by bra6a5Ej on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 06:30:50 PM EST

I always run myself into an infinte loop thinking about this.... It's a lot harder to say no to a cigarette once you know how much pleasure you can get from it. It's a lot harder to say no to some weed when you know how mcuh fun it is. It's a lot harder to say no to a night of drinking when you know how many good times will be had. Is it more intelligent to skip drugs so you never have the desire to go back to them? Or is it worth the trouble to see what they are like and to learn something from them? It's kind of a Catch-22, don't want to take them yet want to experince them....

Finally, a good story (2.00 / 4) (#34)
by verbatim on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 06:41:04 PM EST

Finally, a good story worth discussing that isn't a high society very intellectual type story.


But anyways, my editorial problems is nit picky, so dismiss it if you wish. I just found that, although it was easy to understand, there were too many side-comments and things in quotes. This is a problem that I have too, so dont feel like Im picking on you.

Never ever ever (4.40 / 5) (#41)
by imadork on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 09:56:47 PM EST

I've never smoked, never did drugs, and only drink occasionally (although I'm blessed with an Irishman's tolerance for Alcohol, which keeps me sane when mere mortals go loopy.) However, I don't think I will ever start smoking, not even try one to see how it feels.

I've had these weird, vivid dreams that involve me smoking. I can almost smell the tobacco in these dreams, and I can feel the cigarette between my fingers. It's very weird when it happens. And even weirder after, when I still have these images in my mind during the day.

It hasn't happened lately, because I tend not to have dreams when I'm not getting enough sleep. But just that little bit of weirdness is enough to keep me away. What causes them? I haven't a clue.

Approximately 50% of us are below average..

My personal experiences (3.60 / 5) (#43)
by ScrO on Fri Jan 11, 2002 at 10:39:53 PM EST

First, my background. I've tried cigarettes less than 6 times (in high school or before), smoked pot twice (16 years old), and had 3-4 sips of alcohol. Nothing more than that. I'm 23, have tons of friends that drink and do drugs of all sorts, and my entire family, both sides, have severe alcoholism problems. Everyone on my mom's side smokes. I have plenty of opportunity to do any and all of these things.

And yet I do none of them.

I am a firm believer that addiction is mostly mental. I understand that with certain drugs your body needs them after a while, but quitting in most circumstances is simply mind over matter. I have never felt 'left out' because people were drinking or doing drugs around me. After my friends actually understood my views, they respected it. Yes, even my generous pothead friend that smokes all day every day respects it.

Do I have an incredibly strong will? Yes. Am I bothered by 'peer pressure'? No. Did growing up with smokers and drinkers skew my view on those things? Probably. Do I look down on people who drink, smoke or do drugs? Sometimes, but not solely because they smoke, drink or do drugs. Do I have a severe aversion to these things? Yup. Has my severe aversion to these things put a strain on my relationship in the past? Yes. Do I feel I'm missing out on experiences? Not at all.

I suppose I'm just in a tiny minority who has no desire for any drugs, drink, or smoke. Yes I drink things with caffeine in them, yes I eat things with sugar in them, but I don't drink coffee and I can go days on end perfectly fine without any Barqs or Mt. Dew.

I'm not sure what point I'm making here, but I think it has something to do with the fact that personality plays a lot into addiction. Are addicted people weak-willed? Maybe, but that sounds too much like an insult. I surmise that most addicted people are that way for a reason that even they don't know or choose to consciously acknowledge. At least that seems to be the case with most of my experiences with addicted people.

ScrO!

My ramblings. (5.00 / 19) (#45)
by Addict23 on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 12:20:38 AM EST

How wordy people get trying to describe addiction, and yet, how damn simple it is when you are actually doing it.

I used to do a lot of drugs.. but the one that got me was heroin.

Rather than go on and on about psychobabble and trying to scientifically break it down.. let me just give a few examples from my past.

A friend posed the question to me once.. his girl had asked him, after I'd left their place, how I could possibly permit my life to be the way it was.. how could I not notice how terrible it was. (barely eating, really skinny, apartment a literal disaster, the cat that hadn't eaten in weeks, litterbox overflowing. How could I not notice what shit life had become? How could I deal with the misery?
Trainspotting got it bang on folks. The life of a junkie is SIMPLE.
My biggest worry in life was running out of heroin. Sometimes it was a minor worry, like something you really don't want to forget to do because your wife might yell at you. (You have the cash, you just have to find time to sneak away from work and meet your dealer before you start withdrawl cause you ran out at the wrong time of day) and sometimes it was a big worry, like if I don't find some cash and get some heroin, I'm gonna suffer and be unable to work until payday.
"Nothing else mattered." Now. Don't get it in your head that a junkie has no morals, or a junkie is nuts and will kill people, or that a junkie doesn't care. I still cared, I still had morals... but beyond all that, there is the overwhelming fact: You need to have heroin, period. If my best friend came over, or I missed dinner at his place, I felt really really bad.. realized how fucked up my life was. But.. if the choice was between going into withdrawl or going out with a buddy... believe me, you would take sitting at home fixing up.
You KNOW you are hooked. And you do NOT like that fact.. but you have no idea what to do. The longer you are hooked, the longer your habit takes over your life, the more stupid shit you will do, the less anything else matters. This is just a fact of life, like anything else. Say you were in a jungle with no food or water. Finding food and water would be your primary goal, no matter what other things you had. The longer you had to struggle to get food and water, the less and less you would care about anything else. Heroin is the same thing.

Now.. I quit. Cold-turkey. Why? I ran out of cash way before payday.. I couldn't borrow anymore, my life was in shambles. And I knew in the back of my head all along that this couldn't last, that I had to stop. I left town, quit my job, stayed with my family, got better. (Side note: The change of location and environment had a HUGE effect on my physical withdrawl symptoms.. it was amazing)

You know. Heroin is God. It's the best. You hear that.. yet when you do it, it's not really that spectacular. (A good joint is often far more euphoric and interesting than just going on the nod on some smack). But... when you are hooked, it's the BEST THING ON EARTH. Why? Simply because it makes your pain go away. No more cramps, headache, disorientation, panic, restlessness, racing thoughs, etc. At my peak, I would do enough heroin to put a non-user out of commission until the day after tomorrow just to stay normal for the next hour or two. Literally... loading up on smack only made me feel 'normal'so I could go shopping, or to work (programming). And in my life, from my point of view, that was the BEST I could feel. Normal.

I remember sitting on the bus seeing some lady upset because she had an argument with her husband, another guy upset cause his boss was a dork, another guy upset about his stocks. I would have GLADLY traded any one of those peoples problems for my own. Their problems were petty.

Now.. Now I'm 28 years old, doing fine. Quit smoking a couple years ago. I still drink occasionally, I still like a good joint now and then. Neither of those things ever caused a problem for me.
And I've passed on the opportunity to do coke/heroin several times since I quit. I know where that road leads. I don't want to go there again, ever.


People ask me "You are a smart guy! How could you get into shit like that?"
Folks, don't ever kid yourself, and don't think you are 'smarter' than me. You aren't.
A moment of temptation is all it takes. You know why? because.. the first time you do some Heroin.. it's not bad. You don't wake up with cravings. You don't go bonkers for more. You just liked it. It was no big deal.
And by the time you realize it IS a big deal, it's too late.

The "just say no" campaigns and their like.. they demonize drugs. But that's not enough. They psyche you up to thinking drugs are so big and evil and horrible. But if you DO them, you'll find they aren't. They're nice, easy to do, friendly even. You'll quickly decide all that stuff you heard was bullshit.

We don't have a huge drug abuse problem because drugs are big and scary, you know. We have it because they are so damn GOOD.


So.. on to the details Signal 11 asked for..
though I don't think this really helps understand them (to understand them you have to do them, but please don't).

What is addiction like:
Cigarettes: You just like to have a smoke, especially after eating, after sex, and for some people, after waking up in the morning (not me though). If you get stressed out, you want a smoke. If you feel happy, you want a smoke. It's just something you do.. as much habit as addiction.
Withdrawl: Widely varies... from none to severe physical symptoms.

Cocaine/Crack: Never been that addicted, wasn't my drug of choice, but done it enough. Cocaine, and to a much larger degree, Crack, makes you feel just plain 'good' instantly. In large doses, there are other psychological effects, euphoria, the 'Ringer', etc, but the main thing is it just makes you feel GOOD. Clean and good. (plus stimulant effects, of course)
followed quickly by feeling about as equally BAD, which is why coke users binge. Unless you have tons of it, you don't usually see people proportioning out their coke. They do it until it's gone, compulsively.
Craving: Makes you feel good, instantly. Who doesn't want that? The reason people feel good about snorting corrosive powder up their nose (not comfortable) is because it makes them feel good.

Withdrwawl: depression, mostly just huge cravings to do more coke. Even though I never had a real coke problem, I *still* get intense cravings for cocaine if I smell cracksmoke, or something similar while walking down the street. I recognize it for what it is.. but it's amazing how powerful a mental association it is. I've heard other addicts talk of physical pains.

Heroin: Sedative effects.. drowsiness, sleeping, calm, warm feeling of contentment. Quiets the gut, painkiller, withdrawl symptoms go away very quickly.
Addiction: You want more, at first, just because'you like it. Later, because it makes the sickness go away, calms you down.

Withdrawl: Sucks. Often considered very physical and dangerous; can be. I think it's mostly mental (only due to my own experiences in trying to quit); the physical symptoms are mainly a side effect of the screwed up mental stuff... but I'm sure there are physicians who would disagree.

Caffeine: OUCH! All I have to say is, I've seen a few people who say they are 'quitting coffee'and they get irritable.
I beleive I've been through acute caffeine withdrawl.. all I have to say is it's the second worse headache I've ever had in my life.

Come to think of it, the first worse, which I initially thought was from coming of a pretty bad Tylenol-3 abuse binge may have actually been due to the caffeine in those little buggers anyway.

Sorry.. I know it's rambling. I should probably write A book.. I think I will some day.

I have to say, though, I feel a bit uneasy now. Thinking about all this, remembering... it's difficult. I feel twinges of cravings I haven't felt in a long, long time, just from thinking about it. That's good, I suppose, to remind me.

Just say no is still damn good advice.










My Withdrawal (5.00 / 14) (#49)
by strepsil on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 02:33:39 AM EST

I wrote the following piece while I was in the middle of giving up cigarettes. At the time it helped to have a rant.

So here's what it felt like for me, while I was in the middle of it all. This all happened about a year ago and for the record, I made it. I'm no longer a smoker.

-------

So here I am, trying to get some work done while dealing with nicotine withdrawal. Yep, I'm trying to stop smoking. Working in a job that requires thought is a really bad thing today. I wish I was packing boxes or something, you know?

I've been a smoker for 12 years or so. Guess what? In that time, I have NEVER gone longer than a couple of hours without a cigarette (not counting sleep time, of course). It probably shows me up as the obsessive-compulsive that I am to say that I have always planned things so I'd have my cigarettes. I've rationed myself (I get paid in 24 hours and I have 10 cigarettes left so if I can sleep for 10 hours I can have another one in 45 minutes), starved myself to make sure I had enough money for cigarettes and I've gone though my house and my car in incredible detail to find change (I have a theory from the last time this happened - you can ALWAYS find five dollars if you look hard
enough).

Of course, because of this obsession and ridiculous planning, I've never tasted withdrawal before.

My hands are shaking when I try to hold them still, my brain feels like it's packed in cotton wool and I think my heart has the volume turned up to eleven. No matter how much I drink, my tongue is dry. I contantly feel like I need to eat, but I have no appetite. I want to kill people who ask me stupid questions, and all questions are stupid.

Twelve years is an awful lot of habit. Being a smoker is one of those things that starts to define you. It certainly shapes your life. Going out of the house? Keys, check. Wallet, check. Lighter, check. Cigarettes, check. OK, we can go now.

If I manage this, I'll be saying goodbye to a few things. That moment of bonding you share with a stranger when you both step outside on a cold winter night to light up, for one. The little built in alarm that makes you go outside and take a break every hour or so. That beautiful red glow in the dark. That one extra stimulant as you lurch into the daylight after not enough sleep again.

Wondering what to do with the butt when standing in a friend's perfectly organised garden. Looking to see if there is an ashtray on the table when joining friends at a restaurant. Rushing to get out of the cinema.

Leaving a warm room to stand in the cold rain. Leaving a cool room to stand under the blazing sun. Breathing in smoke in deep lungfuls as the train pulls up.

All these things are so familiar to me. Twelve years - a lot happens in twelve years. I've smoked at a High School in Boronia, hiding a lit cigarette in my sleeve as a teacher walks past. I've smoked with gypsies in England while watching their horses graze. I've smoked in Sydney, Canberra, Adelaide and Brisbane. I've smoked in bed with people I loved. I've smoked bongs, pipes and cigars. I've smoked while on the phone. I've smoked while reading. I've smoked while watching television.

For twelve years, whatever I've done, my cigarettes have been with me. Now I'm trying to put them aside. I'm trying to ignore twelve years of habit and it's hell.

All I can do is keep distracting myself until the cravings go away ... I'm told that they will.

Distractions are all that I have. I can distract myself for five minutes. For thirty seconds. For half an hour. Distractions get me through the day.

You have just read my latest distraction. You didn't have to read it, I just had to write it. Thanks anyway.

what does addiction feel like (4.00 / 2) (#53)
by tincat2 on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 04:35:30 AM EST

i'd like to try to contribute something here because i've been there long ago in some respects and in others am still there. i'm not sure that "what does addiction feel like ?" is the question to ask because among other things if you don't know that you are addicted, i.e., you haven't felt the twinges of withdrawl, then addiction doesn't have a feel. this thought is brought mind by the comment on cutting out refined sugar for a time. i would not have realized my own sugar addiction had i not gone on a low carb diet(no sugar period starting now) and spent the next three days with the jitters and consuming saltines by the box to moderate the craving. dependencies are out there for all of us, even if we are like the hindu holymen in their dependency upon being independent of it all. and yes, i am aware that the current psych-lingo refines the definition of addiction into a psychological-physical dependency to the detriment of an individual's ability to seek and to achieve socially acceptable goals. beyond the questions raised by the real value of what is considered acceptable or worthwhile(read john nash's autobiographical rap on his own mental states and their relationship to those who labeled him out there{perhaps justly so}) the interest here is on what does it feel like to be strung out or hooked? all addictive behavior that i have practiced seems to have at its root the desire to alleviate some type of anxiety, whether it be an existential angst, or the need to fill up some time with a purpose, or idleness with activity, or so on. the thing about it was that this soothing of these various anxieties then turned into a much larger and more immediate anxiety, that of obtaining a fix. that becomes life's goal and nothing supersedes it in the case of the stronger attractions(heroin, nicotine, money and power for some). it is as if you had consolidated your obligations into one payment with an enormous interest rate. withdrawl is the enforcer and has its own very effective physical and psychological devices to perpetuate the behavior. which brings to mind, in conclusion, a comment upon the possibility for rehab, as it is known. that is, and i heard my own judgment echoed by a junkie in a european legal heroin treatment program, that when the necessity to spend so much time in seeking illegal heroin was removed, he was able to assess his predicament and to choose to wean himself away and to walk away from a life he did not really want.

A Way of Life (4.50 / 12) (#55)
by Canar on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 05:09:34 AM EST

In today's world, aren't we all addicted to something? Very few people these days are moderate. We do things to excess, just because they feel good, and we enjoy them. Yes, cigarettes are bad. Yes, they can be quit. Yes, you have the willpower to stop it, so long as you really want to. However, addictions don't go away. Call it the Law of Conservation of Obsession or something. I mean, let's go over a list here of obsessions that either myself or people I know well have developed, without even touching on the subject of drugs.
  • Sex. Big one. Lotsa people really like it. Causes a build up, tension, heightening of emotional and physical senses, then a rapid release and relaxation.
  • Food. Produces serotonin responses in the brain, if my background serves me correctly. Yeap, that's the same chemical that gets released en masse under the influence of ecstasy. And mmmm... The joy of a nice big steak, at least for the non-vegetarians...
  • Sugar. A subset of the above, although a rather specific one. Talked about below. Also rather nasty.
  • Passive Entertainment. TV. Movies. Two senses are being stimulated here, which makes things harder to deal with.
  • Active Entertainment. Video games. Computers. Heh, this crowd is probably more susceptible to this addiction.
  • And something I've caught onto in myself just recently: Music. Try going a couple days without it. I can't, without withdrawl symptoms.
  • Exercise. Not necessarily bad, especially compared to some of the others, but it can be addicting as well.
  • Gambling. Anyone else remember the psychological experiments where by only rewarding the subject randomly, they can convince it to respond to a stimulus for a long time, in many cases adversely? With birds that literally pecked their beaks off, mice that starved themselves pushing a button for a food pellet?
  • Religion. Had to add that one there. I'm semi-Christian, raised in the religion, and sorta hazy on where I stand, keeping one foot there just for the sake of being afraid of change. But again, it reaches obsession in some people, produces rather profound, if only psychological, comforts and reassurances, and provides mechanisms preventing the "addict" from withdrawl. This one I know first hand.
What I'm getting at is that we all have our addictions. I believe that very few people out there who have none. It's merely a choice of the greater evil, for the individual.

It's not about feelings (3.50 / 6) (#59)
by roffe on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 08:17:37 AM EST

Human behavior is not controlled by feelings. Feelings are behaviors too. If you explain a behavior by a feeling, you have to explain the feeling as well.

The behavior we are talking about here - drug-taking behavior - belongs to the class of operant behaviors. Operant behaviors are selected by the environment and shaped by their consequences.

Feelings occur concomitantly to the other behaviors that occur alongside with the behavior in question. It is not the feeling of abscence that makes the dope-addict take more dope. What has happened is that the dope has change the organism, so that just about any occasion becomes an occasion for drug-taking behavior.

This is why the addiction power of a drug is not directly correlated to the feelings that withdrawal generate.


--
Rolf Marvin Bøe Lindgren
roffe@extern.uio.no
The worst (4.80 / 5) (#62)
by John Thompson on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 09:56:27 AM EST

In my line of work I get to see and deal with many people addicted to a variety of substances and behaviors. Contrary to your assertion above, opiate withdrawl is seldom life-threatening. It can be (and usually is) extremely unpleasant, and the person suffering the withdrawl may at some point might feel miserable enough to think they'd be better off dead but physiologically they are not in a life-threatening situation.

The absolute worst substance to withdraw from in my experience is alcohol. Life-threatening withdrawl symptoms are a very real risk as the central nervous system tends to become hyperactive when the depressant effects of the alcohol are removed. Sedatives such as librium and valium are routinely used for seizure prophylaxis during alcohol withdrawl. It is not unheard of for people undergoing alcohol withdrawl to be chemically paralysed (using Pavulon or other curare-derived neuromuscular blockade drugs) and mechanically ventilated for several days. There is often permanent neurological and other organ damage. And the risk of relapse is very high because alcohol is legal, readily available and socially important.

Just yesterday I was working with a man who endured and extremely serious withdrawl course about a year ago. He is having a great deal of trouble giving up alcohol because he "just loves the taste of beer." He has been to the emergency room at least four times during the past year with pancreatitis -- a direct result of his prior high alcohol intake, and often described as the worst pain a person can feel -- beacuse he thought "maybe one beer wouldn't hurt." This latest admission was precipitated because he had been drinking non-alcoholic beer, which BTW does retain about 1% EtOH content. He "likes the taste of beer" and drank several cans, and ended up in the ER, placed on a morphine PCA and hospitalized for seveal days. All this for a few cans of NA beer.

I am not advocating abolition of alcohol. We tried that once and I doubt it would work any beeter now than then. But some people, for whatever reason, appear to be more susceptable to addition (whether EtOH, opiates, gambling or whatever).

An anecdote (4.55 / 9) (#66)
by Aphexian on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 10:33:52 AM EST

I have a response to those who question my vices (mostly cigarettes and alcohol), which may seem silly on the surface but does display some truth in comparison.

I tell them that, yes my vices are bad, but there's one I'm really trying to quit. The most insideous drug of all... Air.

Here are my withdrawl symptoms:
  • If I don't have enough air I become obsessed with it.
  • I feel as though I may die without another breath.
  • Many physical changes - lightheadedness, nausea, craving, panic, irrationality.
  • If I think my supply of air is limited I will obsessively plan when I can take each and every next "dose".
  • I would step over my own mother just to get another "fix".
  • Feeling my whole life revolves around air, and without it I am nothing.

    Etc, etc. It might seem patronizing, but its not - coming from someone like me who has been (and probably still is) addicted to different substances, feelings, events, emotions triggers, etc.

    I'm trying to make people understand what it feels like to be addicted. Anything else can take on the same feelings of withdrawl, and while they may not be as severe, they are there.

    The main critisicm I hear from my little rant is : But that's different, if you don't have air you'll die.
    My response? "Ah, I see you're starting to understand."
    [I]f there were NO religions, there would be actual, true peace... Bunny Vomit
    • Addiction and Depression (4.83 / 6) (#68)
    by selkirk on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 11:35:10 AM EST

    This discussion seems to focus on drug addiction (versus gambling or playing civilization).

    A lot of drug addiction is an attempt at self-medication for other problems, commonly depression.

    Take smoking for example. Hard core smokers may use nicotine to manage depression, ADHD, anxiety or bulimia. Drug companies are starting to exploit this link. The anti-smoking drug Zyban contains the same medication (Buproprion HCL) as the anti-depressant Wellbutrin

    Many smokers have probably never made the connection between their smoking, their mood, and the illness known as depression.

    Why can some people take drugs without getting addicted? Perhaps they don't have the particular symptoms that that drug is good at relieving?

    The effect of most of the addictive drugs on mood is immediate. The consequences are later. Its easiest to just take some more now and quit later. That is addiction.

    Why don't people get addicted to mood altering medications like anti-depressants? They take about 6 weeks before they start working. Imagine if it took 6 weeks between smoking pot and feeling its effects.

    What does addiction feel like? Imagine that you feel like this. Now you get drunk / stoned / high / buzzed. For a while you don't feel like that. Repeat.

    http://www.depression-screening.org/
    http://www.wingofmadness.com/

    An ood observation (4.50 / 8) (#69)
    by CaptainZapp on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 12:36:17 PM EST

    I smoked cigarettes for over 20 years.

    In the beginning to be cool, (did somebody start for another reason?) later because I was hooked.

    I made various attempts to quit, which where more or less successful for a period of time (the patch is a great crotch if you really want to try).

    January 1st 2001 I took a new attempt and found myself smoking again on January 19, with a twist:

    I lit up a cigar

    Since that day I smoked cigars. zero to 5 a day averaging two cigars a day and guess what: The habbit is kicked.

    The big difference is that while I was a cigarette smoker I had it glowing two to five minutes after getting out of bed every morning, with cigars this is very different.

    I usually light up number 1 of the day on an one hour train ride to get to work. (Nope, not in the loo, they still permit smoking on trains in Europe) But this is by no means a must. When I'm out of town on an assignment or I am working with my fellow colleagues from an art corporation, I am involved in, then the first stoogie might not go up before late or not at all. Of course there's sometimes an urge for a smoke but the addiction factor is just not there. On a 15 hour journey to Tokyo: No smoke, no problem.

    It's also a complete different kharma (in lack of a better word) to the object cigar (same goes for pipes) then for a cigarette. It's an object of beauty, hand crafted from the finest tobaccos as opposed to the chemical junk which you get in a cigarette (which is my take on the addiction thing).

    Now, do I condone smoking cigars? It depends. If you don't smoke at all and it feels fine, there is no reason on earth to change that. If you care for a nice smoke after a nice dinner then it's certainly better then a cigie (of course you are a nice person and don't light up that double corona, while they're still enjoying the veal on the neighbor table). It might not be a good idea for everybody in order to kick cigarettes, but it worked for me

    Cigars in my book have much more to do with enjoyment and lust for life then cigarettes. It's about like comparing a 30 year old armagnac with the alcohol from a carpet cleaning fluid filtered through a loaf of bread (disclaimer: not recommended)

    I agree with your friend, that cigarettes are the damns hardest thing to quit and I have some experience.

    Addiction vs. dependence (5.00 / 12) (#78)
    by %systemroot% on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 07:37:25 PM EST

    I've read all the comments to this story, and not yet read accounts of the drug I was addicted to for roughly a year -- GHB/GBL. Here's my story, as well as a comparison/contrast to the drugs I'm currently dependent upon.

    Until 1997 (when I was 28yo), I did no drugs apart from the occasional use of caffeine. This includes alcohol, which apart from tasting sips of beer/wine upon my father's recommendation (he's quite the gourmand) I never imbibed at all.

    I tried to keep my beliefs about non-usage individual, and (mostly) was able to keep from looking down my nose at my friends who drank or used drugs. In fact, this made for interesting turns of events when I started attending raves in 1990, I found out later that there were some acquaintences of mine who had a hard time about my non-usage, but at the time I didn't recognize that.

    In 1997, a unique set of circumstances led me to try MDMA, which I enjoyed very much. After several months, I beccame a regular user, but I never became dependent nor addicted.

    In the two years thereafter, I used a number of different drugs, many of which I enjoyed, some I didn't, and some I researched and decided that they were not for me (i.e. methamphetamine) without feeling the need to try them.

    In 1999, I tried a small amount of GHB at home after my then-girlfriend brought it back from a party that I didn't attend. I found the effects to be overall quite pleasant, and soon began to use it socially on the weekends.

    A peculiarity of my body chemistry is that where alcohol (I've since tried it and never really liked it) doesn't make me traditionally drunk vis-a-vis the social lubrication and warm-glow inebriation, GHB/GBL does in spades. I felt much more socially confident in groups, was much less inhibited, enjoyed dancing much more, etc.

    By that time, I considered myself to be an experienced and responsible user, and though I knew the dangers of overdosing (passing out being one of the primary ones), I believed that I could avoid doing so.

    Well, I was proved wrong at one party, where I kept taking more and more GHB until I passed out on a couch. Fortunately, a good friend of mine was there, knew what I was on, and babysat me until I came around, at which time he drove me home in my car and took a cab back to his (he was sober.)

    Needless to say, the next morning I was exceedingly embarrassed, and I vowed that I would never do GHB in public again. I never broke that vow.

    Some months later, I broke up with my live-in girlfriend of 18 months and went into a depressed state. In order to combat my strong insomnia, I began using GHB to get to sleep.

    This does work to an extent -- in fact, it was available for this use by prescription in some European countries (and may be still, I don't know). However, it didn't knock me out for a full night, only for 4-6 hours, at which time I needed to re-dose.

    Within a few weeks, I became completely dependent on the drug to get any sleep at all.

    I had bought a large supply of the precursor chemical (gamma-hydrobutyl-lactone) online before the drug was federally scheduled, and so I never had to purchase any from anyone else.

    Soon, the combination of my depression and GHB's side effects when I wasn't on it made my daily life miserable. I was still able to function at work (though not to full capacity) and didn't really think I had a big problem.

    I was wrong.

    I became socially phobic, and then nearly agoraphobic, relying on food/grocery delivery rather than facing the world outside. I had to take more and more GHB to achieve sleep, and even then the sleep was fitful and uneven.

    I eventually went to my doctor about my insomnia, but didn't tell him about my dependence. We went around and around with different ideas, but he (wisely) refused to prescribe sleep medication. I attempted to stop my use a few times, replacing it with various over-the-counter sleep medication (Nytol, melatonin, valerian, kava-kava) to no avail.

    Oddly, at roughly the mid-point of my addiction, I went to Burning Man 2000 and didn't take any GHB with me (IIRC, it had become illegal by then, and I didn't want to risk issues with the interstate trip.) I didn't have *any* problems with sleep while there, in retrospect I believe this indicates how much my insomnia was tied to my stress level in my normal daily life.

    A few months later, I realized that I was running out of GBL. I finally came clean to my doctor, and begged him to help me kick once and for all. He prescribed one week's worth of sleep medication, and though I had a rough 4-5 nights, I was able to stop my abuse.

    I've never used GHB/GBL since, and I don't think I ever will again.

    I personally consider my experience with GHB/GBL an addiction, though the severity was far lesser than what friends of mine have told me about heroin or cocaine. To that end, I can say I understand addiction somewhat, but I also know that I can't really know what they have been through.

    Way back in the introductory paragraph, I stated that I would compare/contrast to my current drug dependence.

    In October 2001 I was diagnosed with a terminal illness -- stage four biliary duct cancer. My oncologist prescribed me oxycodone for the pain, and I'm currently using 60mg OxyContin twice a day.

    OxyContin is a patented time-release form of oxycodone, which in turn is a member of the opiate family. A rough ladder of the available prescription opiate painkillers is, in order of increasing strength:

    codeine (Tylenol III)
    hydrocodone (Vicodin)
    oxycodone (Percocet/OxyContin)
    hydromorphone (Dilaudid)

    It took a while for the side effects to taper off, but I am fortunate enough that I am able to be on this much opiates yet am able to be almost completely mentally/physically unaffected save for the pain relief.

    I am able to drive safely (I have had friends and family ride along and verify this), talk normally -- in essence, I am able to have somewhat of a normal life for many hours of my day.

    Unfortunately, I'm still not normal -- I occasionally have to reach for words, and returning to work as a sysadmin wouldn't be prudent in my opinion. This may be that I set too high a standards for myself, but I just don't trust that I could live up to the responsibility that goes with the position.

    The difference between addiction and dependence in my view is that addiction for me was self-medication that quickly turned my life on a downward slope, and that I wasn't able to avoid it until I was forced to. (Yes, I could have found an additional supply, but thankfully that was a line that I was unwilling to cross.)

    Dependence is literally that -- I depend on my medication to keep me relatively pain-free and able to live a positive life.

    If a miracle happens and my cancer goes into remission, I am quite ready and willing to face withdrawal symptoms, however unpleasant. I will gladly accept a few days of pain in exchange for the months of pain relief I have enjoyed.

    Thought experiment (3.50 / 4) (#81)
    by Lenny on Sat Jan 12, 2002 at 10:20:17 PM EST

    I hope this is not too far off the subject. I've had this wierd idea floating around in my head for wuite some time and would like to get some input from people who are more familiar with this subject.
    What would happen to a person if you (I know the logistics of this would be difficult) get them high every night when they slept? I would be talking about something like heroin or cocaine. How would the person react once their body became physically addicted? Would they have a yearning for something and not know what it was? Would they want to sleep all the time?


    "Hate the USA? Boycott everything American. Particularly its websites..."
    -Me
    Addiction can feel like: (4.00 / 3) (#82)
    by joegee on Sun Jan 13, 2002 at 01:18:26 AM EST

    A loss of control. What did I do last night? How did I get home? I only meant to have one. How did I end up doing so many.

    Tolerance. I can't get high enough anymore.

    Changes in moods and personality. I don't know why I get the way I do, it just happens.

    Craving. When I do not have the prospect of getting my fix, I feel anxious, I obsess over its absence, I fixate on getting it.

    Desperation. I'd do anything to get rid of it, or do anything to get it.

    It can feel like any combination of the above, to greater or lesser degree. The thing to remember about addiction is that you don't usually notice it until it's too late. You would be surprised, the addict is not necessarily only the toothless young-old man down in the trainyard who sleeps in a culvert. The addict is not only the hollow-eyed mother with bruised forearms screaming at her kids. A lot of addicts look just like you and me.

    In my own exxperience I know at least one practicing physician in my immediate area, as well as nurses, lawyers, students, a mortician, several successful salesmen, a few recording artists, and a pretty large group of everyday people who have been through one form of addiction or another. It happens to everyday, otherwise "normal" people who have within them the tendency to form a tolerance for <insert addictive item of choice here>.

    It happens to people, initially through their choices, but sooner or later the addict loses the luxury of choice. Addiction has the added "attraction" of being the only chronic illness that tells its sufferers they do not have it. For someone with the predisposition addiction is easy to acquire and a real bitch to kick. :/

    <sig>I always learn something on K5, sometimes in spite of myself.</sig>
    Yeyo (4.66 / 6) (#94)
    by mvsgeek on Sun Jan 13, 2002 at 06:25:49 PM EST

    I'm on a tail end of ending a cocaine addiction that lasted about a year. This will be a summarized version of my experience with that.

    I started using yeyo (cocaine) about 2 years ago when, out of curiosity someone at a party offered it to me. I had only seen movies with people doing coke, and it looked pretty glamorous, a fitting drug for affluent yuppies, I wanted to know what it was like.
    To my great surprise after doing that first rail, I wondered what the big deal was. I wasn't fscked up, I didn't feel anything at all, just more "awake". I chatted, acted in an extroverted manner, and had a great time, still not really attributing anything to the drug.
    I didn't touch it for a few more months until I was offered some again at another party. That night I did a whole bunch, gradually understanding that this was a great party drug, I could be totally rat arsed from booze, snort a line and be the king of the party again. Compared to my usual demeanor, I liked the feeling of being so confident and aggressive in fulfilling everything I wanted to do. And so it started, in a vain attempt to change my personality into the person I was on coke I would do it almost every party I went to (once or twice a week), taking frequent trips to the bathroom, if I was in "polite" company, or just off a glass table otherwise. I only started noticing that perhaps I had a problem when I realized I was spending about $1000 a month on it, which was more than my rent. By this point I would even slip into the bathroom at work and do little bumps to "keep me goin'". It's amazing to see some of the code i whacked out at those times - brilliant at times (when I was high) - 1st year student at others when I was "jonesing".
    Yeyo addiction, to me, consisted of an unbelievable amount of anxiety. The best metaphor I had for it, was the feeling you have when a loved one (at the early stages) is away and you can't talk to them, times one thousand... It was something that was amiss, that I didn't do, but I HAD to do in order to feel normal again.
    Another thing I have to note was that I had quit smoking cigarettes a few months before discovering coke. Try doing a coke binge without smoking, got me right back into it.
    In either event, I decided it was time to stop, so I became a hermit for about 3 months - I instructed friends not to invite me anywhere, that i had shit to take care of. So I stayed at home, coding or watching movies, desperately trying not to think about partying or social interaction. Having good self discipline was good for this. I spent those three months without any, and while it may have broken the anxiety attacks, and the *need* for it, I still *want* some today.
    I'd probably do the whole thing over again because it taught me a lot about myself not the least of which was the nature of addiction, but caution is definately in order for would be coke-users. Other friends of mine weren't quite so lucky, ended up selling household items to buy more, and getting into it junky-style all the way to the rehab clinic.
    Hope this story is enlightening to some. It was a catharsis for me.
    - mvsgeek
    If you want to quit smoking (3.80 / 5) (#95)
    by valency on Sun Jan 13, 2002 at 08:02:07 PM EST

    Make a bet with a friend who is also trying to quit: the first one to smoke a cigarette has to do something incredibly embarrassing in a public place. For me, it was tying a rope around my ankles and manually hoisting myself into a tree.

    Believe me, the only force more powerful than the call of nicotine is the fear of embarrassment.

    ---
    If you disagree, and somebody has already posted the exact rebuttal that you would use: moderate, don't post.

    another type of addiction (4.20 / 5) (#96)
    by aelscha on Sun Jan 13, 2002 at 10:17:24 PM EST

    I've seen a nearly infinite quantity of posts about various chemical addictions, and a couple others about other psychological addictions, but seeing as nobody has brought up the one I've been fighting, I figured I'd post.

    Self-inflicted violence - cutting, and other forms of it - is becoming more and more common, especially among teenagers. Especially among the sorts of teenagers I hang out with, the ones that are overly stressed and/or depressed. It's a really insiduous addiction - as people have mentioned with others, it sneaks up on you, and gets worse and worse. I was lucky enough to stop before I got too deeply into it - my boyfriend eventually told me he couldn't deal with it, and I'd have to pick. I've... mostly stopped, although not completely, and I wish more than anything else that I could truly get over it.

    The story? I've always known people who cut themselves as a coping mechanism, a way of dealing with life, and who found it becoming addictive. Last May I was in a rather messed-up emotional state and figured "What the hell. Everyone else gets some help from it," and placed a knife-blade against my arm and cut three neat little lines of blood. Pain, yes, but not that painful, and an amazing sense of having lost a lot of my angst. It does work. Through May, June, and July, I was cutting more frequently, and it was starting to become habitual, rather than just a coping thing. My parents never noticed. I wondered how they could not notice the many many cuts on my left arm, but they didn't. Needless to say, this didn't help me. Starting around the end of last summer, I decided I would stop, but that only lasted about a month each time (twice). Then my beloved boy finally told me that he could not be with someone who does this, and I swore I'd stop. And I did, for a month. And I swore again to stop. And I did, for two months. Now there's nothing in my immediate posession that's at all knifelike, and I know that I have to stop if I don't want to lose my wonderful boy. And I still doubt whether I can, because my brain still turns to it when I'm unhappy. It's worst when I have a knife in my hands. It's just that I notice its sharpness and then I want, really crave, having that sharpness cutting my skin. It's disturbing and kind of scary.

    I just figured I'd throw in another example of something that's not a chemical and yet is damn addictive. I wasn't addicted badly. I've helped some friends through something worse than I can imagine, and I know it, and I am unbelievably thankful that I noticed what I was doing in time to pull out of it.

    Star Wars: Episode 18: Your Mom's a Sith

    I'm a pothead and I'm semi-OK (4.50 / 2) (#106)
    by RepoMan on Tue Jan 15, 2002 at 02:24:05 AM EST

    My big addiction is pot.

    It's one of the milder ones -- it's not known to be toxic or to induce physical withdrawal symptoms -- but it is DEFINITELY addictive. It's the classic slow, steady progression with me -- I started out having a bong hit once a week or so, progressing to a couple times a week, then once a day, then wake-and-bake. Finally got to the point where I was toking in the garage during lunch hour at work (this was in Silicon Valley), and then going upstairs and interacting with co-workers who had no idea I was stoned.

    I tend to be an introvert, and for me, pot makes it all the easier to spend many many hours geeking out and gaming / reading / hacking (all of which I enjoy whether stoned or not, but pot tends to reinforce those behaviors).

    I go through cycles, it seems. I started being a serious smoker in about 1991, and quit for three months in 1996. Then I quit for a year and a half in 1999-2000. Then I quit again on New Year's Eve 2001, and am planning to stay off until at least mid-year. My fiancee' asked me to quit this last time, and I knew the timing was right (I'd been overindulging even for me, and when I get that into it I notice myself getting borderline depressed).

    Quitting pot is actually fairly easy for me, especially since I've done it a couple of times now... I know there aren't going to be many withdrawal symptoms, and even the cravings are easier to handle than the first time I stopped cold. I don't think, though, that I'm going to stay sober forever; pot is in my future.

    I have a general question for any addict or ex-addict K5'ers still reading this thread: do you manage your addiction cyclically like this? i.e. do you go through cycles (perhaps many-month cycles) of using, then not using, then using, then not using? Typically the only alternatives we hear about are either being altogether clean; being a sustainable (low-dose, low-frequency)) user; being a heavy user; or being a totally clean ex-user. But what about alternating between those (latter three) states?

    My pot addiction has never been serious enough to threaten my love, work, financial, or personal life, which is largely why I contemplate continuing the cycle this way. (If it'd been worse to me, I'd be more committed to sobriety.) Anyone else in the same boat?

    Cheers,
    Repoman (is always intense :-)

    Short Answer (3.50 / 2) (#108)
    by phatkat on Tue Jan 15, 2002 at 07:39:27 PM EST

    Addiction is anything that offers itself as the solution for the problems it causes.

    -- Paraphrased from A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again, by David Foster Wallace.

    Inflicting Physical Pain - Strangulation (4.00 / 1) (#117)
    by alexdw on Fri Jan 18, 2002 at 12:20:24 AM EST

    I've noticed an interesting example of inflicting pain upon onesself becoming addictive: strangulation. Back during my high-school days, I noticed that a lot of people enjoyed strangling themselves on a regular basis: on the bus, at lunch, during study hall, etc. It seemed silly, but with my knowledge of human biology, I could see why it might work.

    I tried it once, but didn't really appreciate the feeling that I got. You can get a much better "version" of the same rush through intense physical activity, IMHO. :-)

    (I personally never became addicted to this, but I have several friends who have... I don't think any of them have taken it to the level of endangering their own lives yet, since you tend to lose your grip when you run out of oxygen, but I wouldn't be suprised if someone killed themselves in this manner...
    What Does Addiction Feel Like? | 121 comments (119 topical, 2 editorial, 0 hidden)
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